Not Sober

I can't believe I am not watching Fatboy Slim right now. This is ridiculous. Ridiculously NOT fair. Fuck. I am a level 3 tipsy, I am dressed for raging, and all I got to see is that stupid guy who was in Prodigy. True, the sneaking in was not done in a stealthy manner AT ALL but I got really excited about the prospect of being a bad ass! Then like 15 minutes later, and after guzzling like 4 sodas which turned out to be alcoholic, the security guards found us and we got kicked out. Well fuck! Whatever. I bet it was WICKED lame. So lame. The lamest. Except I'm pretty sure it's fucking AWESOME.

Reasons why I think it might be have been awesome and I am missing out:

1. This random drunk kid heard my accent and was like, "Oh! You American?! Tell the Bush, "You SUCK"! Ok?".

What Bush? Do you have some transatlantic hatred for an American ficus?

"Haha. Yeah yeah OK!"

What the fuck? What do you want me to do about it? Oh hold on, I share a telepathic tie with all American plant life. Let me just send a horde of bees to destroy that bush with my mind. Do you perhaps know where it is located? I mean latitude and longitude would be really great, but states are good too.

"No No, George Bush Suck! Yeah ok! OK American?"

Oh GEORGE Bush. Well then my telepathic ties are useless. Hold on let me send him a telegram. I mean if I was near a phone then really I would just call, but no no a telegram will work just fine. Or maybe when I get home I'll send an email. Or IM, you know if he's online. Yeah we're tight. Yeah all Americans have him on speed dial actually.

This could have lasted FOREVER! He had no idea what I was saying and would just reply "Haha Yeah! OK!" after everything I said and then string together more English words, creating even more bizare sentences that required extensive mockery. This was basically the face I was giving him the entire time. This is the face.

2. When Kostya was trying to flirt and pull me closer by dipping his finger in my cleavage my bra bit him. No. Really. That's what happens when unwanted hands try to touch my breasts. They are sort of like the sword in the stone. Only the worthy than pull it out. OH SNAP!! Hah. I didn't even mean to make that connection. That's so deep. It can be interpreted in so many ways. As in, pull out the penis. OR the boobs. Pushkin got NOTHIN' on me. Also I am more gangsta. Really what happened was that the underwire ripped through a little and scratched his finger. I have never seen a more baffled look on a boy. Then when his finger started bleeding and I told him the Sword in the Stone explanation he scrunched his eye brows together and for a few minutes... for a few glorious minutes during which gleeful satisfaction spread through my entire body... he believed me. Then he said he didn't but I saw him giving my boobs fearful side glances. I could have exploited his fear EVEN MORE!

3. Clearly the Russian alcohol industry has extended it's target demographic to young pre-teen girls, because that is the only thing that would explain why they would create alcoholic soda. Seriously. It's packaged in bright fun colors, the alcohol content label is not clearly visible and you can't taste the alcohol. Then you INNOCENTLY chug four of them in a row and find yourself belligerently trying to convince the security guards that you are Groove Armada. As in, first name Groove, last name Armada. This did not work. Neither did claiming to be Fatboy Slims girlfriend. Bastards. YOU DON'T KNOW. So then you end up outside, your arms wrapped around a birch tree, wondering why everything is spinning and whether maybe you are fainting.

This is how I found it they were alcoholic:

Kostya: Why are you hugging that tree?

Me: I like this tree. I like trees.

Kostya: Clearly. That's not how you climb it if that's what you are trying to do.

Me: Shh. Shhh. I might be fainting.

Kostya: What?

Me: Everything is getting dark.

Kostya: You closed your eyes.

Me: Oh.

Kostya: You are drunk

Me: Impossible. I didn't drink.

Kostya: You chugged those drinks I got you and they were like 8%.

Me: .... 8% of what? The sodas?

Kostya: They weren't sodas, they were like half vodka.

Me: ... vodka?

Bastard. He asked me if I wanted beer and I said "No, I don't wan't to DRINK. I am just THIRSTY". As in, I don't want to drink alcohol, I am thirsty. He thought I meant I didn't want beer, but something harder. Good god. How hardcore do you think I am? Jesus. He felt guilty and offered to buy wine and get drunk to keep me company. It didn't sound bad. Then he let me hold the wine bottle and that wasn't the greatest idea. I gesture OK?! I was telling the bear story and things got a little heated. Really it was his fault for buying red wine when I like white, and then on top of it wearing a light blue shirt. Also for not capping the wine. Also he hit on me so boo you. Then he went to shower, I promised him I would meet up with him later and went home.

Hey. Hey. Guess what. I'm not going to meet up with him later. Fuck that. I'm tricky like that. Tricky tricky tricky. I didn't take my mad nice camera to the show, so here are some old photos. Drunkity drunkity DRUNK.