Stupid Sleep-Deprived Surveys

Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Absolutely not. I will lie as often as possible and for no apparent reason.

Where were you last night?
Drinking with Mike, Arturo and Wiley in Moscow. Though really the bulk of the drinking occurred in my apartment with Mike. Oh where. Yeah. I suck at answering the actual question. I was on Tverskaya in Moscow near the Kremlin.


What is today's date?
June 28, 2008

Who was the last person to call you baby/babe?
Oh jeez. Maybe Mike casually? Tia? Nick? Have you? Why not? Don't you like me? FINE. But you know what... I know that you'll be back boy. When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oOOoooOoh. I know that, you'll be right back, babe. Oooh! Baby, believe me it's only a matter of time. Of tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!

When you're at the grocery store do you use the self checkout?
Almost always when I can. When they let me. Sometimes though, while you are scanning your stuff, grim middle aged women with beady eyes come over and watch you. I cower under their hawk-like gazes, and get paranoid. So I mean sometimes I don't use the self checkout. It all depends on the proximity and abundance of weasel-like middle aged women around. Look for the name tags and the cute 60's names that you've only heard of in sitcoms. Ellen -> be suspicious. Peggy-Sue -> run. Just run.

Anyone crushing on you?
Nobody with a smidgen of sense. Though I do think I seduced Dave Howard today when I was making the bed and flashed my underwear by accident. Then later I showed my belly button. That kind of double play is deadly. I'm sure he's writing love poetry in his live journal RIGHT NOW.

What is your relationship status?
Taken? I mean I stalk him and he likes touching my ass... what does that qualify us under?

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Tia just typed out the lyrics to the little mermaid. Wait I guess that doesn't count. Oh well, it doesn't matter, I get serenaded ALL the time bitches.Why just the other day I was sung a LOVELY ballad. About the need to announce to a father the exciting news that you have fallen in love with a pilot and your intention to pursue him. For he flies higher than the skies, and receives more than a thousand dollars for his work. For you love him. You do. There was also an encore about a cook, a doctor and a thief. My little brother is a charmer.

Has anyone ever given you roses?
Yes but I'm actually not a huge fan of roses. I prefer tulips. Though actually Mike once gave me these yellow tea cup roses with dark red edged petals and they were the most beautiful flowers. Flowers make me so happy.


If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
Well what wilderness. I mean I think I can survive the wilderness of Massachusetts, but if you stranded me in Alaska... that'd be a slightly different story. If I was abandoned in the Russian wilderness I'd die. So would you. No seriously. No matter how bad ass you think you are... you would die. Dude. Seriously. The mosquitoes out here are BRUTAL.

Who do you text the most?:
Carlos. It's not even a competition really. I mean Zack I hit up pretty often... but not during his working hours. Tia is limited by school and activities. Carlos... nothing stops him. I mean he actually works a 9-5 job, and parties on the weekends, but never has anything stopped him from discussing the intricacies of Lil' Waynes appeal at any point in time. I hear he doesn't sleep. Too busy being gangsta.

First person to text you today?
No one texted me today. I'm in Moscow. Fuck Cyrillic bitchez!

What is your favorite color?
Blue? Purple? Oooh a certain turquoise....

What color are your eyes?
Hazel? What color is that?



What is a compliment you receive often?
yur pretty. But it's really always from the same source so I don't know if that counts. "You are fun" I get a lot. With my moves... I'm not surprised. Oh! Lately I've gotten "You are light". Damn. People are pretty nice to me.


How tall are you?
Five feet Five inches. THOUGH I secretly have this theory that I am only 5'4. It changes every year. I don't know why. Maybe I can morph and don't know it. Or maybe when they measured me for my drivers license I had really bouncy hair. Pantene Pro-V DOES promise more volume. I believe it. If you can't trust Pantene... what can you trust?

Who was the last person to say they loved you and when?
Haha Dave Howard, after I told him I hated him in an IM an hour or so ago.
[07:46] absinthesucre: soooo i hate you
[07:46] daveisurfave: aw
[07:46] daveisurfave: i love you back

Do you like your parents?
As parents or as people? I like them as people...

Do you secretly like someone?:
I really don't think it's too secret. Glaringly obvious would be more accurate. Or perhaps embarrassingly apparent. I'm not really a subtle person, I don't know if you know.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
I curse my father for giving me my nose... but other than that I don't think I look like either of them. What do you think?



How long does it take you to shower?
Less than 15 minutes usually.

Can you do splits?
Um. Shut up. I can BLOW YOUR MIND! Plus I hear that people who can do splits are actually possessed by evil demons. It's true. I read it on Wikipedia.

Are you flexible?
In certain ways. In certain non physical ways. Lately every time I attempt a cartwheel I end up pulling my thigh muscle. I'm old OK! I crochet and make creme brulee and you should be happy with that.

What did you do on New Years Eve?
I went to Conners and crocheted Slipper Socks. Yeah I know. I'm a wild woman. What can I say. I like to party.

Was your mom there?
Nope

Can you speak any other language than English?
Russian and a bit of French

What is the last letter of your middle name?
A. It's not a real middle name though Dmitreyvna. Oh fuck off.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
I haven't slept yet. I'm a vampire.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?:
Always when I'm driving, and pretty often when I'm not. Lately though I haven't been but that's because a lot of older Russian cars don't have seat belts. Also the drivers laugh at you when you pat down the seats and fruitlessly attempt to find a seat belt. Apparently its MY "American vanity! So spoiled you are!". Yeah. Um. OK. My mistake. Didn't know wanting to live was a vanity. No no it's cool. I'm just spoiled. By life. Idiots.

Are you scared of flying?
No I LOVE it. I wish I could fly. I wish I could have sex like eagles do because that sounds AWESOME. Though really that's more of a falling than a flying thing.

What do you sleep in?
Tanktops, nighties and underwear. Sometimes boxers and on special occasions.... real pajamas.

Who was the last person you kissed?
Nick


Do you like funny people or serious people?
I like funny people. I have a weakness for funny. Also sometimes being serious sucks.

What are you listening to?
Nothing. Though for some reason I have headphones on. Also just realized that I've had them on for the last three hours and I haven't listened to a goddamn thing. Why? I don't understand. Why did I put them in to begin with? WHat the hell?! I am such a fucking weird-o.

What jewelry do you wear all the time?
My Спаси и Сохрани ring.

What do you have planned for tonight?
I'm going to go hang out with Sasha before she leaves for Milan, and then I don't know. Maybe I'll head out to the country, maybe I'll party some more with Mike, maybe maybe maybe. Maybe I'll actually sleep. The world is full of possibilities.

Is the last person you kissed older than you?
Two years. How scandelandelous. What a cradle robber.

Do you have a favorite item of clothing?
In general I like underwear. Specifically, I guess I wear my black flats pretty often. How FASCINATING. Quick jot this down in your little notebook, this might be on the quiz.

Do you like messages or comments better?
Both. I like human contact and attention no matter what form it's in.

Last movie you saw in theaters?
Kung Fu Panda. Yeah. I'm hardcore. Don't mess with me.

Last thing you ate?
Crackers. The special fiber ones I'm addicted to that apparently affect your poop somehow. I can't tell you how I haven't noticed a difference but my mother is dying to lecture someone about it, so go ask her.

What was last thing you drank?
Water. Mixing red and white wine might not have been the best idea.

Are you happy right now?
Yeah. I mean not perfectly happy, but I definitely wouldn't classify myself under sad.

Who makes you happiest right now?
.... Nick. This is sort of mortifying. Can we stop now?

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching the Eurocup.

When is your birthday?
February Third

Do you want to get married & have children one day?
Yeah. I mean someday, that sounds nice.

If you were able to choose, would you prefer a baby boy or girl?
Oh baby boy definitely. I suck at braiding hair and honestly girls are so fucked in our society when it comes to sex, a healthy body image and millions of other things. I would not enjoy guiding a girl through that landmine. Also periods... they suck ok. I never want to be the bearer of such information! Oh baby, by the way, you are going to bleed once a month for several days and your tummy might hurt. Sorry. Fuck that. Boys I feel like get it easier.

Do you like Red Bull?



Would you ever be in a "Girls Gone Wild" tape?
Only maybe in the background, full clothed, pointing and gesturing for my guy friends to look at that girls titties. I do that a lot.

Where is the biggest scar on your body?
On my heart. EMO TEARZ! Haha nah, on my leg from burning myself on the tailpipe of Mikes motorcycle.


Are you trying to avoid something by filling surveys out?
Yup. Sleep. loneliness. Al that fun stuff.

Does everyone deserve a second chance?
Yeah. Sometimes. Maybe. I guess it depends on how exactly they fucked up their first chance.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Not till August 19th it looks like.

Did you have a good night?
Yes.

Bad Habits

Technically, Mike isn't a bad habit. Mike is great. The bad habit I am referring to is our tendency to get shit faced when we are together. I think he's funny when drunk, he thinks I'm hilarious, I think he's terribly clever, and that's how we end up on Tverskaya at midnight trashed arguing over how Paris is amazing (even though I've never been) and how if he slaps my ass one more time I will kick him in the balls. I know these don't sound like actual arguments but you don't understand. Mike and I don't care. We will easily argue for hours even though we are both arguing the same thing. It's quite charming really. Or aggravating. Mostly charming though.

We met up earlier today, we wandered around near my house, then it started to rain, so we left his friends and went back to my house. I attempted to prove my culinary proficiency by cooking blini, which I managed to burn. I mean sure I make this dish EVERY single day for myself but of course when I have to cook it for someone else I get distracted and burn them. Making Mike look at them with hesitation. Fuck off. Stop looking so unenthusiastic they are amazing! Which they were. He admitted it. It's true. Btw I am totally aware that this blog isn't going to make any sense because I am still quite drunk, but if I write it later I'll forget shit. You know?

So we ate the Blini and then spent two hours drinking two boxes of wine and watching Youtube videos. Aka my favorite thing to do. EVER. It was great. Except for that part where Mike elbowed me in the boobs. That wasn't that great. That hurt. Fuck you.

The we went out. To Tverskaya. I think our plan was to find a bar, but we never ended up doing that. No no I mean we were in a bar. I peed in a bar. Not like in THE BAR though. I went to the bathroom in one. We didn't really go in though, it was too expensive. The bathroom was IMPRESSIVE though. The mirror, it turned into a TV and played commercials. It would have been really cool if I didn't freak out and think it was an acid flashback. By the time I figured it out I was too embarrassed to stay in the bathroom any longer.

I am convinced that the best compliment you can give a girl is to tell her that she is light. No. Seriously. Or maybe just me. I have absolutely no idea how Wiley and I decided that me in his arms was a great photo opportunity (though I admit, I suspect it was my idea) but then when he told me I was light....awz. So charming. No really. It's not the same as saying a girl is skinny, if you say a girl is skinny, or looks good, well I mean it's a nice thing to say but at the same time it is referring to culturally determined standards of beauty. But being picked up by a boy and being told, "Wow you are really light!"... it's just so casually flattering. I mean it's not like he said I looked good or was attractive, it's just a statement about weight, that might actually refer to my unhealthy eating habits.. but fuck. It was nice to hear! Though clearly I have just determined that I have NO idea why I am so flattered.

I have pigtails.

Hehehe. Handlebars. Jesus. It sucks when you realize that your mind it dirtier than that of your male friends.

Oh Mathew!

This never fails to make me cry!

Good Morning To You Too!

I was awakened this morning when my wooden floor was turned into a tuning fork by my mother who from what I could deduce by the noises she was making, had climbed up onto the kitchen table and was banging on the ceiling with a large hammer. "WAKE UP MASHA WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP MASHA". Then there was silence. I waited a few minutes... there were no more sounds. I could not smell anything burning. So I went back to bed. More specifically into that particularly delicious half doze where I'm really aware of my lucid dreaming. So I was about right in that particular moment of the daydream where sexy things were about to happen... when it happens again. "MASHA GET UP! Did you hear me? Get up! Get up! It's almost one! We are going to be late!! GET UP! GET UP!". What the fuck?! What... I don't understand... what are we late for? What time is it? Did I sleep till five again? Nope. I checked my cellphone its 10:30 a.m. How is that almost one? Wait what time code are we going by? What are we late for? What's going on? I'm not quite sure, but I think I asked some of these questions out loud. I got no response. Everything was silent once more. I wait a few minutes. Nothing. I cautiously yell, "Hello?". No one answers. I wait a few more seconds, "I'm... I'm going to sleep for five more minutes...". No reply.

So I lay back down. In literally what seems like 3 minutes, my mother throws open the hatch door, and starts laying it on me. "You are so SELFISH! We are not going to make the train!! I am leaving WITHOUT you! I hope I never see you AGAIN! You are so LAZY!". With this she pounds back down the stairs and starts bitching to my grandmother about me.

Woah. Woah . Woah. What?

I throw on my clothes, I pack my bag, I go downstairs and in a very calm and mature tone I say "What the holy fuck is going on?!".

"We are going to miss the 11 a.m. train! You think it's more important to lie around being lazy!"

"What 11 a.m. train?!" (See how MAGNANIMOUSLY I ignore being called lazy)

"The one we decided we are taking this morning!" (This is the first I've heard of this "decision")

"When the FUCK did we decide this?!"

"Yesterday! Oh oh I see what you are doing, DON'T PLAY THIS GAME MASHA!"

(What game? What are you talking about? What are the rules? Are there rules? Whats the scoring system? Can I win?No? This game sounds like it SUCKS)

"WHAT. THE. FUCK!" ( Do not mess with me in the mornings. I am serious. I am not a nice person at all. Also very eloquent as you can tell)

"So NOW we have to wait till 1 pm since its 11 and the train leaves Dubna at 11 and gets here at 11:15 and we will never ever ever make it"

(Ok, first of all, we are like 10 minutes walk from the station. It is currently 10:55 pm. So instead of actually leaving, she has been yelling at me for the last 10 minutes. Just wanted to point out how my mothers logic works. I mean I suck at math, but... what the fuck?)

"WHAT THE FUCK!?! I am leaving. You can stay here. I think you are crazy. Oh and btw next time SHARE THESE FUCKING PLANS WITH ME!"

Then I made her race me to the train station. She has shorter legs but I'm sort of thankful she won just because it put her in a really good mood. Though I am not happy about falling into the mud at all. But sacrifices have to be made. She looks so cute and innocent too. So unlike the fucking insane harpy she really is. I should have just started singing "Mambo Italiano" and then could have avoided this fight completely. Though really it's hard fighting with someone who doesn't use any logic and just starts screaming. God.

Lost In Translation

It's my lovely lady lumps... Ok?




Maybe not in Russia. It's ok. It's ok. Don't look so confused. Try again. Sing something else.




Nice. Nice. Good Choice. I like your repertoire so far, "My Humps" and "There's something in my tummy, Oh Yeah". You must be really popular in kindergarten.

Not Sober

I can't believe I am not watching Fatboy Slim right now. This is ridiculous. Ridiculously NOT fair. Fuck. I am a level 3 tipsy, I am dressed for raging, and all I got to see is that stupid guy who was in Prodigy. True, the sneaking in was not done in a stealthy manner AT ALL but I got really excited about the prospect of being a bad ass! Then like 15 minutes later, and after guzzling like 4 sodas which turned out to be alcoholic, the security guards found us and we got kicked out. Well fuck! Whatever. I bet it was WICKED lame. So lame. The lamest. Except I'm pretty sure it's fucking AWESOME.

Reasons why I think it might be have been awesome and I am missing out:

1. This random drunk kid heard my accent and was like, "Oh! You American?! Tell the Bush, "You SUCK"! Ok?".

What Bush? Do you have some transatlantic hatred for an American ficus?

"Haha. Yeah yeah OK!"

What the fuck? What do you want me to do about it? Oh hold on, I share a telepathic tie with all American plant life. Let me just send a horde of bees to destroy that bush with my mind. Do you perhaps know where it is located? I mean latitude and longitude would be really great, but states are good too.

"No No, George Bush Suck! Yeah ok! OK American?"

Oh GEORGE Bush. Well then my telepathic ties are useless. Hold on let me send him a telegram. I mean if I was near a phone then really I would just call, but no no a telegram will work just fine. Or maybe when I get home I'll send an email. Or IM, you know if he's online. Yeah we're tight. Yeah all Americans have him on speed dial actually.

This could have lasted FOREVER! He had no idea what I was saying and would just reply "Haha Yeah! OK!" after everything I said and then string together more English words, creating even more bizare sentences that required extensive mockery. This was basically the face I was giving him the entire time. This is the face.

2. When Kostya was trying to flirt and pull me closer by dipping his finger in my cleavage my bra bit him. No. Really. That's what happens when unwanted hands try to touch my breasts. They are sort of like the sword in the stone. Only the worthy than pull it out. OH SNAP!! Hah. I didn't even mean to make that connection. That's so deep. It can be interpreted in so many ways. As in, pull out the penis. OR the boobs. Pushkin got NOTHIN' on me. Also I am more gangsta. Really what happened was that the underwire ripped through a little and scratched his finger. I have never seen a more baffled look on a boy. Then when his finger started bleeding and I told him the Sword in the Stone explanation he scrunched his eye brows together and for a few minutes... for a few glorious minutes during which gleeful satisfaction spread through my entire body... he believed me. Then he said he didn't but I saw him giving my boobs fearful side glances. I could have exploited his fear EVEN MORE!

3. Clearly the Russian alcohol industry has extended it's target demographic to young pre-teen girls, because that is the only thing that would explain why they would create alcoholic soda. Seriously. It's packaged in bright fun colors, the alcohol content label is not clearly visible and you can't taste the alcohol. Then you INNOCENTLY chug four of them in a row and find yourself belligerently trying to convince the security guards that you are Groove Armada. As in, first name Groove, last name Armada. This did not work. Neither did claiming to be Fatboy Slims girlfriend. Bastards. YOU DON'T KNOW. So then you end up outside, your arms wrapped around a birch tree, wondering why everything is spinning and whether maybe you are fainting.

This is how I found it they were alcoholic:

Kostya: Why are you hugging that tree?

Me: I like this tree. I like trees.

Kostya: Clearly. That's not how you climb it if that's what you are trying to do.

Me: Shh. Shhh. I might be fainting.

Kostya: What?

Me: Everything is getting dark.

Kostya: You closed your eyes.

Me: Oh.

Kostya: You are drunk

Me: Impossible. I didn't drink.

Kostya: You chugged those drinks I got you and they were like 8%.

Me: .... 8% of what? The sodas?

Kostya: They weren't sodas, they were like half vodka.

Me: ... vodka?

Bastard. He asked me if I wanted beer and I said "No, I don't wan't to DRINK. I am just THIRSTY". As in, I don't want to drink alcohol, I am thirsty. He thought I meant I didn't want beer, but something harder. Good god. How hardcore do you think I am? Jesus. He felt guilty and offered to buy wine and get drunk to keep me company. It didn't sound bad. Then he let me hold the wine bottle and that wasn't the greatest idea. I gesture OK?! I was telling the bear story and things got a little heated. Really it was his fault for buying red wine when I like white, and then on top of it wearing a light blue shirt. Also for not capping the wine. Also he hit on me so boo you. Then he went to shower, I promised him I would meet up with him later and went home.

Hey. Hey. Guess what. I'm not going to meet up with him later. Fuck that. I'm tricky like that. Tricky tricky tricky. I didn't take my mad nice camera to the show, so here are some old photos. Drunkity drunkity DRUNK.

Irony Of Fate

I Think About You When I Eat

I pout when you aren't online.

My Pupils ARE Different Sizes

Look! Look! Look! Look!


I think I like the eye lashes on my right eye the best. Yes yes. My right eye is my favorite. If I become a one eyed pirate that is def the eye I would display. It's decided. Whew, one important decision, out of my way. Hooray!

Cast of Characters (Partial)

Sasha -> Twenty-two, absolutely brilliant and my closest friend at the Dacha. She keeps me in check and from running completely wild because she is a LADY. I mean it. A real one. Basically, she's who I want to be when I grow up. She travels, knows several different languages, is very well read and is such a nice and well spoken girl. Also the only one my Grandmother would trust me with anywhere and everywhere. "Oh well if Sasha is jumping into a fiery hell pit, then sure you can go!".




Sasha's grandma and mom always feed me little cakes and offer me tea when I come over, so naturally they are my most favorite people in the whole wide world. I also have no idea why they like me so much because I swear to god I'm sort of a dumb ass and get into scrapes quite often. Like if I had perfect daughters like Sasha and Anya I would NOT be so enthusiastic about them having a girl like me as their friend. I giggle about boys, I jump of piers, I am not as well read and I drink. I also fall out of trees and come home late. Maybe they don't know. I hope they never find out.

Anya -> Um 17? 18? She's Sasha's younger sister and classifies herself as a geek. Right. You look like a model. No I don't care that Kafka puts you to sleep, you look like a model. You. Look. Like. A. Model. Be careful if she has her hair in a braid and whips her hair around because I've been hit by that thing and it almost knocked me out.


Shurik -> Fuck. Why did I start with ages when I don't know anyones for certain. A little older than me I'm going to guess. 23, 22? Back in the day Dima and him used to be inseparable. To the point of him dating Arisha when Dima didn't want to date her. Haha, apparently that was him helping Dima out because Dima wanted to kiss me/ date me (which in the Dacha honestly is the same thing) and figured that would make me feel more comfortable. We used to call him "Frog Legs" because he would wear this green sports costume around everywhere. He might be getting married to Aleona, the girl with him in the photos. My dear frog legs!


Shurik used to have this white "peterka", this really shitty old Russian car, that he was obsessed with and one summer afternoon he roped me into helping him tint the cars windows so that he could be more bad ass. This involved take the door off the frame, unscrewing it so that we could see the inside, then since he had the roll-up kind of windows, we had to take the tight chain off two screws so that we could take the window out. One chain broke, which caused him to swear and to huff and puff at me though I was simply watching and the rest came off only after they had thoroughly cut up our hands and there was no more trouble for them to cause. We tinted the windows. We put everything back (again much cursing and blood and sweat and my frustrated tears were involved). Then after everything was back, and one window permanently sealed shut, Shurik informed me that the car had to stay this way, with the windows up, for four days for the tint to take hold. Hmm, alright but didn't we have plans to drive to the sea today with 5 other people and go swimming? Don't you have the only car right now? We almost died. Well you know what they say. There is no manslaughter without laughter.


Igor and Tanya -> yeah two different people, and Tanya isn't even from this Dacha, she's Igor's girlfriend but they are getting married! In late August or early September. I just can't process it. I can say it. I just can't seem to process it. They are my age. Maybe a year or two older. Good god. Marriage. Wow. I mean honestly, they've been together for four years already and they are a great pair, but still. Marriage. I still can't get over how young people get married here. So young. I mean I like the idea of settling down, of falling in love and being happy with someone for a long time, but Marriage is still quite out of the picture. I remember when Igor and his friend Deshka got pissed that Arisha and I were hanging out with the boys from Gosplan (a neighboring town) and so they challenged them (aka Shurik, Dima and their friends) to a soccer game. As in, who ever won the soccer game would win us. I think we were thirteen or fourteen at the time. It was horribly silly and unflatteringly puts me in the role of property to be won, but I would be lying if I said that my teenage heart didn't tremble from the excitement and romance of it all. Now he's getting married.


I need to stop writing posts that make me cry. I'll finish this one later

Susliks Birthday

His name is Leisha. I know I KNOW! It's just. This is the kid that used to have a really big head and would dress up to play soccer! The kid that I used to make up stupid bicycle games with and who would walk me home. Who I would sometimes make fun of because I was a whole year older and thus much much wiser. It's really inappropriate to keep calling him "Suslik" which basically means gopher. Now he's twenty and we're toasting his health and happiness and goodness gracious I forgot that it's customary to drink after every toast. Wow. Thankfully the table was well set. Vodka, Champagne, Wine, and then moving away from alcohol, there was every kind of cold salad imaginable, little sandwiches with caviar, fresh vegetables, and that was just the first course. Well the alcohol was for every course. Then for the second course there was this amazing chicken and then cake... his mother is amazing. Not only did she set this amazing table TWICE, having done so the day before in Moscow, but also she sat around and drank with us, telling us tales of whats important in life.


You know how grownups lecture you on that you are like "I KNOW, I KNOW, god shut up!" but you don't say that because you have to respect your elders? Well it wasn't like that. Natasha was so just such a nice, happy woman and she told such heartwarming tales and she prized friendship over all. How loyal friends were the best thing anyone could have and things like that and told stories about how when Leisha was born everyone arrived to the hospital to wish her well... I don't know it just sort of struck a chord in me. I guess it's because my family moves around a lot, and it just works out that most of the support and love I receive comes from my friends, but well, she sort of reaffirmed the fact that friends are very important. I mean well duh, of course they are, but I often get shit from my family because they think I'm overly loyal to my friends and they keep repeating "Friends aren't forever". Yeah well, I mean they kinda are.


Here are these kids who I don't see in forever, who I see maybe several times a summer every few years and they still accept me back with open arms. They've all grown up, and I know that there is no way I'll ever get back those golden days of childhood that were spent adventuring out around Karmanovo, but they are still around. They still remember. God our summers were fucking golden. Our parents would all send us here to live with our grandparents and we would have such adventures. Tom and Huck style. It makes me sad to think of this as in the past. To think of these kids as grown ups. It fucking sucks. At the birthday I teared up at one point, after learning my friends were getting married, and I thought it was the alcohol but it wasn't. I have to end this post before I end up bawling my eyes out which will result in my mother coming in and mocking me.

And though the shadow of a sigh

May tremble through the story,
For "Happy summer days" gone by,
And vanish'd summer glory-
It shall not tough with breath of bale
The pleasance of our fairy-tale.

Lewis Carroll

Rules of Karmanovo

These are The Rules of Karmanovo established in 1995 by my Grandmother Valya with whom I lived with during the summers there.

#1. Do not sit on the benches in front of the store. Only Alcoholics, Bums and Men sit on those benches. Nice young ladies do not. If you sit there EVER I will know because I have friends and they all go to the store and they will tell me. OHHHhhhhhh how you will get it then!

-> At first this rule was easy to comply with because I had no money to spend at the store, and also because the benches were terribly dirty. Then. New benches were built. My friends started sitting on them. I started standing near by, oh so casually leaning against the side of the store. Then I got bolder. I started crouching near the benches, anxiously searching the faces of any elderly woman that passed by, looking for a spark of recognition, because all of my grandmothers friends look the same to me. Finally, when I was about 16 I would fearlessly sit at the benches daring anyone to say anything... and if I saw my grandfather or grandmother biking up to the store... I would either jump up and run into the store or hide. It depended on how far away they were.

#2. Be home in time for meals. Otherwise you will not eat.

-> I would have never ever EVER broken this rule if I knew when meals were supposed to be. But see my Grandma was sneaky, she'd SAY 5, but what she really meant was "I want you to be home at 5 because you need to peel a pound of potatoes and weed the entire garden and then tame that wild stallion". Then she would say it was to give me an appetite. Meanwhile I had already gotten an appetite from running around breaking all her rules, so really this was unnecessary. Which I demonstrated by never showing up on time for meals. I always ate. Except now there are so many people at my house that if I don't arrive in time, I actually don't eat and no one feels any pity for me and I am forced to chew on bread while people putter around me mocking/judging/making bets on how much weight I'll gain this summer. I hate them all. GIVE ME BACK MY CONDENSED MILK IMMEDIATELY!

#3. Do not swim in the Canal, it is dirty and far away. If you drown I will not help you.

-> Well, technically jumping off the pier into the Canal isn't swimming. It's more like falling and then getting out. So really I don't think I broke that rule. Oh. Oh never mind I did, I forgot about that time we went skinny dipping. Also since the getting out of the water required swimming I guess I did break that rule after all. Honestly, my grandmother clearly underestimated the power of peer pressure and the fact that I'm a dumb ass. So once again, not my fault.


#4. Do not climb or go on the Metal Bridge. You will die. If I ever see you on there I will find that whip I SWEAR TO GOD!

-> Oh. Well. Haha. I had to find out why that rule merited the threat of whipping. Well hmm, its a metal bridge, meant for only trains, that's built across a river. Where coincidentally an old wooden bridge used to be so if you fall off into the river, you can actually impale yourself on some old wooden posts. If your name happens to be Vlad, oh well wouldn't that be ironic.


Not only did I break this rule, I positively demolished it. Hide and Seek or "Priatki" was a favorite game on the bridge, with "Salki" or Tag, not far behind. We would literally risk our stupid little oblivious necks running at break neck speeds over the top of the bridge, or sliding down underneath it to hide in the beams. Then when an elektrichka (train) would come we'd scream shrilly and either stay on and hold on or run off the side of the tracks while the bridge shook and the sound of the train whistle and screeching metal filled the air, almost deafening us. Then after it passed we'd get out from our hiding places with shining eyes exchange thrilled/scared/excited glances, while our hearts pounded with adrenaline.

I love the bridge. I love climbing it, I love the views from the top and I absolutely love that while the pier has been fenced in and is no longer jump-able, the benches have once again fallen into disrepair, and I don't get those same kinds of home cooked Russian meals... the bridge has stayed the same. I'm still forbidden to climb it, I still do and my Grandmother still scolds when she sees the photos.



You could have fallen off!

What? I was climbing a ladder and then I was standing on rather wide pieces of metal! How could I have fallen off?

You could have lost your balance!

But I wasn't balancing! The beams aren't narrow! (Though honestly this is a valid point, I often lose my balance just standing and such)

There could have been a strong wind!

There was no wind!

Here my mother oh so helpfully chipped in:

A bird could have knocked you over!

What? Wait... what?

Are you serious? A bird? Could have... flown into me? What kind of birds do YOU deal with on a daily basis?! What are you talking about!?! Are you seriously suggesting the scenario that I would be standing on top of the bridge, and some deadly kind of swallow my kamikaze into me and knock me over?! First of all I haven't even seen any birds bigger that swallows around, especially not in the day time. Second of all, that deadly bird of yours is required to not only pick up enough speed to actually knock me over, but to specifically AIM for me. Do you really think that that is even a possibility?

My Mother: You never know what fate has in store for you.


That night a bat flew into my coat. Honestly.

Karmanovo!

I'm serious about the sky being closer here than it was in America. The weather almost seems to confirm the closeness of the sky, it changes so momentarily that sometime I feel like I can influence it. Russian thunderstorms are perfect weather when reading The Master and Margarita by the way. Next lazy day I have, I'm taking the Russian version of it to Sparrow Hills, and when I come across the chapter where the Master says his goodbye to the city, I am going to wander around and try to find the exact spot where that bizarre company stood on their magic horses. It exists. I know it does.

Everyone was in Karmanovo this weekend. It was some Russian holiday, so it was a four day weekend, starting Thursday. Sasha was there, with Anya and basically everyone else. Well not everyone. But a large chunk of everyone. We went exploring. We drank (of course). We climbed bridges. Got sunburned. I got a new camera! Basically stuff happened. Good stuff. There needs to be some kind of order, and I need to eat. SO I think I'm going to run down to the store, get some food, then while I'm cooking it, I'll break things up into posts and will fill you guys in on what went down. I'll give you a teaser: Gang signs were thrown, and there are a few more photos in which I look Asian. GET EXCITED. Hopefully this wont be like the last time I planned on breaking things up into several posts and I just ended up... well... I didn't do that. Haha. I will this time I will!

Aren't my friends pretty?

The Bears Got Me

I cried.

Just imagine this scenario. You are peacefully lying in a loft bed, innocently reading out loud from Dr. Seuss's The Cat In The Hat, when out of nowhere, a Bear punches you in your left eyebrow. You do not expect this. In fact, my reaction was to scream "WHATTHEFUCK?!" and almost fall out of the bed. That's until the pain hit and stunned me into being immobile for a few minutes. Then a few seconds after the first wave of mind numbing pain subsided a bit, I was able to curl into the fetal position with my hand over my eye and commence the sobbing/hysterical laughter.

No seriously, first of all I think my eyebrow is fractured or something because it's VERY sensitive to the touch. Also I am terrified of sleeping in the lofted bed since clearly being 2 feet from the ceiling will not have any affect on flying bear attacks.

Reasons why I am afraid of the loft bed:
1. I can fall out of it
2. The ladder can break loose from the bed and I can fall
3. It was constructed by some random male my mother captured in the building and thus I do not trust that it is well built. I am going to say it has NO structural integrity. I'm not quite sure what that means. But I am sure the bed doesn't have it.
4. Loose screws fall onto the mattress and then I get scratched
5. Rape By the Lego-Men
6. Bear Attack

... really the list can go on and on and on.

The Bear:


Oh Oh! Do NOT be fooled by the cuteness. Or the plastic. This is one mean/deadly son of a bitch. It is not just a random plastic bear, who you'd imagine weighs nothing and just sits around brining happiness and light into lives.


Well. He brings light. When he has batteries. That's right. This is a bear FLASHLIGHT! Oh how useful and adorable, you might exclaim. Well shut the fuck up. That makes him heavy and classifies him under things you could be bludgeoned with. You wont think he's so fucking adorable when he's flying at you going 50 mph.


NOT. FUNNY. AT. ALL.

I want to mention that the reaction of my mother was to laugh. While her daughter was sobbing and in obvious pain, did she yell at George? No. Did she ask if I was ok? It doesn't count if it's done while laughing. Actually she asked me to be careful and not break it. It BROKE my FACE!!

WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!

I Am Going To Get Fat

This is what I eat for breakfast almost every day. Or a version of this. I learned how to cook Blini the other day, though honestly since we only have Kefir (I think it's sour milk) and not milk, they come out a bit odd. It doesn't matter though since I drown them in condensed milk anyways. Mmmmm, liquid sugar. How I love you. I have no qualms about feeding it to children either. It makes George shut up for longer than five minutes, which everyone thought was impossible till now. I think it's because his teeth are stuck together, but hey if it works it works.

Cooking my odd shaped Blini. They look more like Sirniki.


George really helps the cooking process.


We actually eat so much condensed milk that I needed to buy a new can yesterday. By we I mean George and I. Think about it, have you ever had a can of condensed milk run out? It wasn't old either, it ran out in a week. A WEEK. You Americans probably have no idea what I'm talking about.

Actually, condensed milk doesn't only come in cans now. Yeah, it comes in plastic packets too, that's what that is in the first photo. A little condensed milk trivia for you there.
Mmmmmm. When I come back I can cook some for you if you like. I can recreate this magical magical experience. You know you want it.