It's Been A While

But in my defense I've been babysitting for the second week in a row now, so I really have very little time to write anything. The minute I sit down at the computer it's all "Ooh are you going to play a game? Can I play a game?" or "Masha let's go buy me a dragon" or "Masha, how many Kilotrillabytes are in a Megotallibyte?".

... Shoot me in the head.


I hate disciplining too as a rule but lately I've had to pretty hard core because my mother doesn't at ALL, and well my Dad isn't around. So George has been running around wild and he doesn't listen to anyone, so I figured, well I guess I'll use my cool big sister influence to install some order into his little six year old life.


Which is how I found myself with one leg over the bear barrier yelling, "I SWEAR TO GOD GEORGE ASK ME FOR MONEY ONE MORE TIME!!! NO GO ON ASK ME!! DO IT!! ASK ME ONE MORE TIME AND I WILL JUMP IN HERE I SWEAR!!!!!!". Yeah. I'm good with kids. Other high lights of that Zoo trip: George running from kiosk to kiosk asking for me to buy him everything and ignoring the animals, my grandfather giving lengthy and factually incorrect lectures to random children about the animals in the cages (in one particularly memorable moment, his lecture about the eating habits of a puma was interrupted when a little kid pointed out that that was a wolf), and me constantly having to search for one of them since they had a habit of wandering off without telling me. I also delivered some of my most outrageous lies and threats at that zoo. When George threw a fit because I refused to buy him a Fanta because we were going home for dinner, I was at the end of my tether and told him that fine, fine, I'll buy him a Fanta, but we're not going to leave the Zoo EVER. "FINE! YOU can live in those tiny smelly Duck houses and eat their poop and I am going to play with the bears and the seals and the wolves and they are going to be my friends and they aren't going to be your friends and I'm going to train them to HATE you". This is about the time that he burst into tears and hit me and I picked him up and held him over the pond and threatened to throw him in with his Duck friends if he didn't start acting normal. Thankfully he thought it was scary but funny and stopped and was ok. Some of the mothers looked really horrified though. Pshht. Amateurs.


Still though, running after a Six year Old all day is exhausting. Yesterday he threw his coat at me as we were leaving a guests apartment and I snapped and picked up the coat and raced after him to throw it at him, and I slipped on a fucking totally useless rag left on the floor and flew up in the air, totally showed a random man my panties by accident, and landed on my hip with a shriek that had everyone we were visiting run out into the hall way in horror. My brother burst into laughter. Little fucking demon. I mean I couldn't stop laughing too but I have one more bruise on my hip and my elbow is bruised and I WILL GET HIM FOR THIS.

Amusement at the Park

I have a mild obsession with Amusement Parks. I love them. It doesn't even matter if I can't go on the rides, just being there, hearing the screams, the laughter, and even those fucking annoying kids who wont stop sobbing about something... I love it. Ok well maybe not the kids because honestly it's like shut up. Shut up. You are cute, but you look like a little demon monster. Thus taking away your cuteness.... which is all you got working for you. Your chances of being left in the Amusement Park while your parents go treat themselves to frivolous material things has just greatly increased.

I really want to take my little brother here. Now, HE wouldn't be one of those kids. My little brother is pretty bad ass. I mean he gets scared of the rides, but he goes on them anyways, which is more than I can say for a lot of my guy friends. I remember this one time, Tia, Jack, Richie, Aaron and I went to Six Flags for the day, and sure they rode the Superman ride a billion times with no fear but when it came to that scary Elevator of Doom ride, nuh uh no go. You know the one, where you sit with your legs hanging out and they raise you really high and drop you?! And you get that sensation in your belly, the same one you get when you're nervous or flirting with someone you really really like. It's a great ride. None of the guys would go with us. I think I finally convinced Aaron to go after using the "If you REALLY cared for me, you'd go!". It was low of me, I admit. I'm SORRY!! I just knew he would enjoy it... and he DID. Even though he refused to go on it again, I know deep in his heart he totally enjoyed it. That was a really great day actually. It was a really weird combination of sunny with short patches of rain, which basically equaled a very low attendance. Yet all the rides were open and we got that Speed Pass so we never had to wait.


I remember this one time when I was a kid and I went with my family to the Six Flags in New Jersey or somewhere over there, and I was too short to go on the big roller coaster but my Dad lifted me by the pants so it seemed like I was taller than that ruler. The attendant didn't even notice that my feet were just brushing the ground. I really really wish he had. I almost fell out of that fucking thing. I mean I love roller coasters but I remember that terrifying ride to this day. I mean I got nervous when we just touched off and started climbing up because I slid down like a foot into the seat the moment it slanted. My slight discomfort gave away to absolute terror when we went over the crest and dropped down, because I realized that I could EASILY slide out of the big plastic thing that was supposed to be holding me in. How did I realize this? Well when I was about three quarters out and had only one arm through the arm hole holding on to the handle. Yeah that sort of gave it away. I don't know what was worse, having to hold on super tight when we went upside down for fear of falling out, or the pain of my head ricocheting between the plastic U that was supposed to hold me down. Every tight turn, BANG! It was a symphony of pain.

Taught me the importance of those rulers though. Apparently they aren't put there by mean people who want to ruin your fun. I wish I could have found that out in a different way though. Possibly by hearing a cautionary tale of some sort. I wandered around this park for a while. I'd name it but it has like a billion names. It might be Park Pobedy. Or it might be Gorky Park. I think Park Pobedy is the name of the Metro station next to it, but fuck, who cares. It was great. I remember coming here with Arisha, and her refusing to go on any of the scary rides because it would mess up her hair/outfit/general attitude. I also remember coming here with Dima and being bought ice cream cones and wandering around. I like the music they play by the fountain. It seems almost somehow patriotic to me.

Total Video overload right now, I know. It's just well, sometimes I can't get the pics to come out like it really is. I think the carousel is absolutely gorgeous, the horses charming, and just over all the entire park was ridiculously nice. The photos look washed out a bit though, because it was so sunny, and anyways they can't capture the music, the atmosphere or the smells. Not that the video can capture the smells... I'm just going to stop. Right. Now.

When Sauntering -> Beware of Trucks

That's almost how I got hit by one. I was feeling pretty good, sun shining on me, hater blockers on... I was perhaps sashaying a bit. Purely as a result of a good mood and some upbeat tunes. I passed a couple of looooooovers on a bench, and made eye contact with the guy. Really it was by accident, and I did the polite smile and look away bit, but then as I passed my ipod was playing a quiet tune and so I quite clearly heard the girl go "Can you stop STARING at that girl!? Smiling like an idiot, why don't you just go introduce yourself then, huh!". I actually turned around cuz I wanted to look at the girl too... then I realized it was me. The other realization that came with that one was that I had better keep walking or that girl was going to throw her ice cream cone at me. Oh how the sauntering began. I swished my hips one way, I turned up Kanye West, I swished my hips the other way, I ran my hand through my hair, tilting my head slightly back and then gazed off into the distance to left, as not to seem too full of myself.I'm not vain, I'm deep in thought. It is not my fault my hips happen to not be lying and my lips are in a sexy pout. So engrossed was I, obviously thinking about such complicated issues such as World Peace and um, missiles, in, um, Iran and uhhhhh philosophy... that I failed to notice a truck heading right towards me in the park.


I was thinking about photographic truth in our highly technological generation and whether it still existed, or was just a theory at this point. Honestly. Very engrossing topic... that I was thinking about. I definitely was not thinking about how great my breasts looked in my new bra. Nope. Nope. Photographic truth. SO here I was. Deep in important thoughts, when suddenly my peripheral vision kicks in and I see something yellow in the corner of my right eye. Oh. I shift my gaze. Oh my oh shit oh oh! I literally had to jump back because it was that close to me. Then I gazed up mouth open in shock at the drivers who at this point are waving at me. So are other pedestrians. I snap out of my semi-coma and scurry to the right only to find my way blocked by parked cars. At this point I'm completely confused and turn around twice in tight circles which make the truck drivers throw their hands back and look at me like I'm an idiot. Don't get me wrong I was being a total idiot.. but heyyyy. Don't look at me like that. Finally I get out of their way, they drive away and I'm left with silence and judgemental gazes from other pedestrains. Thats fine. I don't care!! I'm just going to turn up my ipod, and lower my head and speedwalk the hell out of here now. And avoid this tree. I avoided it. I didn't walk into it. I was just walking really fast so I had to turn really fast so that what i turned that fast. Stop looking at me old lady!! Don't shake your head!!!!!!!!!!

They are all so mean. Whatever. I have shiny bouncy hair. Ooooh a Ferris Wheel!


I walked around everywhere today. Literally five hours of straight walking, and then I met up with my mother at the mall. The minute we meet up she goes "Oh, I am SO exhausted, I've walked everywhere today!". Oh yeah? Where have you been? "Well, here. But I've been to all the stores". Aaaare you fucking kidding me? I just walked several miles, over practically all of lower Moscow, and you complain about being tired after walking around in circles for two hours? You also knew that I have covered half of Moscow since you insisted on calling me every hour to check if I was at the mall yet, and every time I told you my location you went "Ooooh you are walking so much!".


Her: Masha you always have to beat my story, no one can ever have a better/worse/crazy day than you. No one can ever be as tired/in pain/exhausted as you!

No. No that's YOU. I'm pretty sure you just described yourself. Oh oh hey, remember how earlier today you came home and told us you were probably going to die because the doctor said you had scoliosis? Then when I informed you that actually I have mild scoliosis too, and it basically just had to do with your back not being straight you glared at me for five minutes and then said I was wrong?


True story. Then when I kept on insisting I was right, she got all these worry lines and told me that I must have a mild case of it while she has the deadly case and will be walking with a cane in three months (her prediction). Yeah. Yeah I mean I have D size breasts but you are the one that's going to be walking with a cane. No no that totally makes sense. Then she informed me that she has worse posture than me. Oh yeah? Then why are you constantly poking me with your super sharp nails and telling me to straighten up. Shouldn't I be doing that to YOU? Then the ignoring began. It always begins when she can't argue anymore.

See!! Booooobs!

I prefer the ignoring to the alternative, which is her reminding me of everything I've ever done wrong in all categories of my life starting from when I was six. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how exactly does the fact that I bit my doctor at age 13 pertain to this discussion? Answer the question. Answer... answer the question. Answer it. Answer it. Yes, I DO remember forgetting my dress at the beach last week. How does THAT pertain to the discussion?! A few more of these and the ignoring begins. Or I stomp away in tears because god dammit I TOLD you I never even fucking touched your Friends tape never mind broke it. FINE. Whatever. DON'T believe me. Motherfucking six years I've been telling you I didn't break it. SIX years... ok I need to calm down. Breathe in. Breathe out.


Anyways. So we're at the mall and she's trying to find this store that has cheap bras... and she can't find it. My mother has been at this mall for over 3 hours and she can't find the store. I thought you walked everywhere and knew where all the stores were?!

"Now is NOT the time for your sarcasm!"

That wasn't really sarcasm... well. I mean it's a fair question... whatever. Fine I'll drop it. I always drop it. Finally after like 15 minutes of her scurrying in one direction, abruptly stopping and then immediately sprinting in the opposite direction, she makes her way to a security guard and asks for directions. I'm standing maybe a foot or two away but since he's only really talking to her, I only listen with half an ear. He points in one direction, my mother, nodding extensively, re-enacts his action. Every action. After every sentence. All the while nodding repeatedly and saying "Uh huh. Mhmm. Uhuh". The poor guy was so intimidated by the intensivity of my mothers attention that he started stuttering a bit and throwing me desperate glances. Finally he finished, my mother and I walked away and about 3 seconds after leaving him, my mother goes "Oh so what did he say?".

What? Wait, no are you serious? You.. you seemed to be listening...

"Oh so you didn't! Oh so once again the responsibility falls on me! Great great. You need to grow up SOME day Masha, I hope you know!".


At this point I literally have no words so I turn around and go back to ask the guy again. Ridiculous. I'm not even going to get into the story of how she thought that I was an A cup. An A cup. I am quite obviously NOT an A cup and probably haven't been an A cup since 6th grade. Though according to my mother, she remembers how last year I fit into an A cup. I don't even think we were in the same country last year... do you mean in your dreams? Are you hallucinating? Am I hallucinating? Is it possible this entire hour with you has just been one huge intense acid flashback? Honestly... I hope so. I really really hope so.

This is ittt

I think this weekend was the closest I've ever come in recent years to recapturing the magic that was my childhood at the Dacha. I think it was when we were walking to the store in the pouring rain, tipsy off of beer and happiness and Dima ran and jumped into a muddy puddle spraying us with mud that I was like "Yeah. This is it".

I slipped and fell off the roof. I went skinny dipping. Boys fought over who would help me put my boots on. I came home at 9 in the morning. It was amazing. I'm bruised, still partially hung over and am still being scolded by my mother. I'm so happy.

Productivity -> Hampered by Hotness

I'm talking about the heat and my own personal hott-ness. Vain? Yes, terribly. But come on, I look so good! I lost some more weight I think, and I got tan, and my stomach looks tight! Ch-ch-check it out! How did I accomplish this? Well. I'm sick of Russian food. I walk around a lot, and I have intense water fights with the neighborhood kids and apparently there's a shit ton of cardio in surprise sneak attacks.

Of course now it takes me double the amount of time to get dressed. Even less of my own clothing fits me and yet, STILL my mothers clothing looks like it was meant for preschoolers on my body. Oh she's so cute, oh she's so petite everyone says... well yeah but have you ever thought about how SELFISH is it for her to not at all resemble me in body shape, so that I can't wear ANY of her clothes without looking like I grew 4 feet overnight? Yeah. Think about that. Selfish selfish selfish. So yeah that and the fear of kidnapping/accidental marriage/rape makes getting dressed a production of epic proportions. That and it's like 90 degrees out. So I'm wearing shorts and a tshirt, almost ready to leave and my grandpa goes "Those are short shorts huh". Yes well... I mean... isn't that the point of shorts? Wait are you saying I look slutty? Um, well, slutty means... um, like a girl is really really popular with boys... you know, right? Never mind. Never mind. I don't think they had sluts in the Middle Ages. Oh wait, Mary Magdalene? No? Ok lets move on. I'll go change.

So basically I wear the same things over and over again. I did laundry today. That was interesting. I actually had to read the manual for that thing to figure it out. I'm proud to say I conquered the beast. Though this stumped me for some time:




I mean, I just couldn't figure it out. For a minutes I thought maybe I stuff the clothes in around the drum, and somehow that washes it... yeah I know. Thankfully my logic skills kicked in (they do exist, they are just rarely used), and I read the manual and figured it out. Though honestly, how many knobs and options are really needed here folks? I'm not washing a fucking tissue paper gown, I honestly just want my clothes to not smell of sweat. I don't think I own any delicates. Do you mean panties? Oh. Well yeah I own some of those, but honestly, I don't need so many options. Like temperature... why the fuck would I care what temperature my clothes are being washed at? I mean I get hot/warm/cold, but when you give me them in Celsius I'm stumped. Or when you give me the option of picking at what hertz my clothes get washed at. Slow down there buddy... is this washing machine built for nuclear physicists? What the fuck is a hertz?

Also... is this sound normal?




I hope so. I mean my clothes are clean... I think. Smelling nice counts as clean, correct? I also made Blini, and was patting myself on the back for being so productive when my grandfather came in and said "Oh Blini!? I know the PERFECT thing that goes with Blini". Guess what it was. I'll give you a hint. It was *NOT* the perfect thing that goes with Blini. Guess what this is:


If you guessed Mystery Fish in Jelly... that is correct. It is in fact, very smelly mystery fish in a Jello like substance. Only the deep love I have for my Grandpa compelled me to try a bit of this... the taste of which it seems like will never leave my mouth. It wasn't terrible... but it was not good. I think my Grandfathers presentation of it was off. First of all, don't open it and then SUCK THE JELLY. You just sucked fish jelly Grandpa. Yes. Yes you did I just saw you. That was disgusting. No, America has not made me SOFT, you just SUCKED unidentified FISH JELLY. It is NOTHING like Jello. How do I know? I just know!!! Did you seriously just compare it to jello? Grandpa, when was the last time you had Jello, and where did you get it because this is nothing like Jello!!!! Well, for one, it has fish bits floating in it. Jello does not ever ever have fish bits floating in it. Do I really need to move on to number two?! No I will not try it. No. No. No. No. Stop it. Stop it I'm not going to try it. Stop. Stop. Stop it. No. No. No. Wait wait wait... maybe... NO. Jesus. I see where my mother gets her fucking persistence.

Addicted

That Bridge Again

Everyone who visits me in Karmanovo has to climb the bridge. It's tradition. Of course since I've climbed this bridge so many times now I get sort of bored. This time was a little more interesting because a train came right before we got to it, so we had to run for it. Well I ran for it. Mike was a pussy and just got off the tracks into the field. I ran for the bridge and made it just in time. I'm pretty bad ass. Then we climbed on top and gang signs were thrown. Yeah. I know. Shut up. I get bored.

In retrospect Mike never even lived in Western Mass so I don't know why I kept trying to make him make the gang signs for it. Though come on, he lived in Brookline for mad long, if he was going to claim a "hood" that should be it. What the hell does VA stand for anyways? Is that even a real place. I bet it stands for like Vagina Army or something equally stupid.

Mike Visited Me in Karmanovo

Mike visited, it was pretty fun. We got soaked running to the train in the rain, only to arrive and realize that it hadn't rained in Karmanovo. It never actually ended up raining. This guy on the train asked me if Mike was my husband. I know I talk about this a lot, but it amazes me how early people get married here. Not my boyfriend. not my brother, my husband. Right away. Then again in the grocery store. No no, he's just a friend. Oh so your boyfriend? No MAN, he is JUST a friend.... I'm going to throw these potatoes at you.

Immediately upon arrival I was given 40 bucks to spend on beer for us. Beer that we proceeded to drink in a day. Yeah. You heard right. 40 dollars worth of beer, finished in a day. Don't underestimate us. Mike met his target audience, aka the kids, I realized I had the weirdest fucking laugh ever. WHY has no one told me this?! I mean I know all about my weird voice and how yes I sort of have an accent sometimes... but the laugh?! I sound like a deranged clown. Why has no one shot me through the heart or punched me in the face in terror?! Or do you just all talk about it behind my back and throw me pity looks when I'm not looking. I bet you do. The kids at least are slightly honest about it. I laugh and they laugh at me. Why has no one told me?!

We actually had a bunch of fun with the kids. We went bike riding, and fishing and to the canal. It was pretty beast. The bike riding was especially extreme since I had to take Georges bike and George rode on the back of Mikes. I mean not to be an attention whore about it or anything, cuz yeah I think George had the most uncomfortable seat in the house... but have you ever ridden on a bike when the seat was so low it constantly felt like you were biking up hill? Cuz I have. Yeah. Then I took it to the next level and made a movie. I even used the word eXtreme in it. I DO want a medal, thanks. A shiny gold star will also do. A round of applause would be great (but only the kind where you clap your hands in a circle, the other types aren't as cool).

Officially A Grandmother?

I think I qualify. All I do is cook, crochet and play with kittens. Oh and dream about the days gone by when I used to get laid. I refer to that time as "The Golden Months".

The Cooking:

The Crochet:

(oh STOP it!)

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

The Kittens:


There are no pictures of me not getting laid. Sorry. Also I'm sorry if the crochet kitty was creepy because it has no eyes. I hate sewing on eyes. They always come out crooked and weird. My sewing isn't up to par with my crochet yet. I can tie AWESOME knots though. Without even trying. I'm really talented in that department.

Bells at Novodevichy Convent

This is right next to my house actually, so I hear this every day. Nevertheless I still have not figured out when or why these bells ring. Pretty though, right?

It's been raining oh so hard

This is what it sounds like outside my window. It's been raining like this for several days now. It comes in bursts. Heavy heavy rain, ominous thunder and then, in an hour to sometimes just several minutes, the sun comes out and twinkles at you, denying there ever was a mini monsoon outside your window.

I don't necessarily mind the rain too much. It's cozy to listen to it thundering outside my window. It makes me even more lonely though, because all I want to do is do cozy cuddly things. Like crochet, watch videos, cook and cuddle. Basically I become a grandmother. True Dat!




Isn't it loud?

Stupid Sleep-Deprived Surveys

Do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Absolutely not. I will lie as often as possible and for no apparent reason.

Where were you last night?
Drinking with Mike, Arturo and Wiley in Moscow. Though really the bulk of the drinking occurred in my apartment with Mike. Oh where. Yeah. I suck at answering the actual question. I was on Tverskaya in Moscow near the Kremlin.


What is today's date?
June 28, 2008

Who was the last person to call you baby/babe?
Oh jeez. Maybe Mike casually? Tia? Nick? Have you? Why not? Don't you like me? FINE. But you know what... I know that you'll be back boy. When your days and your nights get a little bit colder oOOoooOoh. I know that, you'll be right back, babe. Oooh! Baby, believe me it's only a matter of time. Of tiiiiiiiiiiiiiiime!

When you're at the grocery store do you use the self checkout?
Almost always when I can. When they let me. Sometimes though, while you are scanning your stuff, grim middle aged women with beady eyes come over and watch you. I cower under their hawk-like gazes, and get paranoid. So I mean sometimes I don't use the self checkout. It all depends on the proximity and abundance of weasel-like middle aged women around. Look for the name tags and the cute 60's names that you've only heard of in sitcoms. Ellen -> be suspicious. Peggy-Sue -> run. Just run.

Anyone crushing on you?
Nobody with a smidgen of sense. Though I do think I seduced Dave Howard today when I was making the bed and flashed my underwear by accident. Then later I showed my belly button. That kind of double play is deadly. I'm sure he's writing love poetry in his live journal RIGHT NOW.

What is your relationship status?
Taken? I mean I stalk him and he likes touching my ass... what does that qualify us under?

Has anyone ever sang to you?
Tia just typed out the lyrics to the little mermaid. Wait I guess that doesn't count. Oh well, it doesn't matter, I get serenaded ALL the time bitches.Why just the other day I was sung a LOVELY ballad. About the need to announce to a father the exciting news that you have fallen in love with a pilot and your intention to pursue him. For he flies higher than the skies, and receives more than a thousand dollars for his work. For you love him. You do. There was also an encore about a cook, a doctor and a thief. My little brother is a charmer.

Has anyone ever given you roses?
Yes but I'm actually not a huge fan of roses. I prefer tulips. Though actually Mike once gave me these yellow tea cup roses with dark red edged petals and they were the most beautiful flowers. Flowers make me so happy.


If you were abandoned in the wilderness, would you survive?
Well what wilderness. I mean I think I can survive the wilderness of Massachusetts, but if you stranded me in Alaska... that'd be a slightly different story. If I was abandoned in the Russian wilderness I'd die. So would you. No seriously. No matter how bad ass you think you are... you would die. Dude. Seriously. The mosquitoes out here are BRUTAL.

Who do you text the most?:
Carlos. It's not even a competition really. I mean Zack I hit up pretty often... but not during his working hours. Tia is limited by school and activities. Carlos... nothing stops him. I mean he actually works a 9-5 job, and parties on the weekends, but never has anything stopped him from discussing the intricacies of Lil' Waynes appeal at any point in time. I hear he doesn't sleep. Too busy being gangsta.

First person to text you today?
No one texted me today. I'm in Moscow. Fuck Cyrillic bitchez!

What is your favorite color?
Blue? Purple? Oooh a certain turquoise....

What color are your eyes?
Hazel? What color is that?



What is a compliment you receive often?
yur pretty. But it's really always from the same source so I don't know if that counts. "You are fun" I get a lot. With my moves... I'm not surprised. Oh! Lately I've gotten "You are light". Damn. People are pretty nice to me.


How tall are you?
Five feet Five inches. THOUGH I secretly have this theory that I am only 5'4. It changes every year. I don't know why. Maybe I can morph and don't know it. Or maybe when they measured me for my drivers license I had really bouncy hair. Pantene Pro-V DOES promise more volume. I believe it. If you can't trust Pantene... what can you trust?

Who was the last person to say they loved you and when?
Haha Dave Howard, after I told him I hated him in an IM an hour or so ago.
[07:46] absinthesucre: soooo i hate you
[07:46] daveisurfave: aw
[07:46] daveisurfave: i love you back

Do you like your parents?
As parents or as people? I like them as people...

Do you secretly like someone?:
I really don't think it's too secret. Glaringly obvious would be more accurate. Or perhaps embarrassingly apparent. I'm not really a subtle person, I don't know if you know.

Do you look more like your mom or your dad?
I curse my father for giving me my nose... but other than that I don't think I look like either of them. What do you think?



How long does it take you to shower?
Less than 15 minutes usually.

Can you do splits?
Um. Shut up. I can BLOW YOUR MIND! Plus I hear that people who can do splits are actually possessed by evil demons. It's true. I read it on Wikipedia.

Are you flexible?
In certain ways. In certain non physical ways. Lately every time I attempt a cartwheel I end up pulling my thigh muscle. I'm old OK! I crochet and make creme brulee and you should be happy with that.

What did you do on New Years Eve?
I went to Conners and crocheted Slipper Socks. Yeah I know. I'm a wild woman. What can I say. I like to party.

Was your mom there?
Nope

Can you speak any other language than English?
Russian and a bit of French

What is the last letter of your middle name?
A. It's not a real middle name though Dmitreyvna. Oh fuck off.

How many hours of sleep did you get last night?
I haven't slept yet. I'm a vampire.

Do you wear your seatbelt in the car?:
Always when I'm driving, and pretty often when I'm not. Lately though I haven't been but that's because a lot of older Russian cars don't have seat belts. Also the drivers laugh at you when you pat down the seats and fruitlessly attempt to find a seat belt. Apparently its MY "American vanity! So spoiled you are!". Yeah. Um. OK. My mistake. Didn't know wanting to live was a vanity. No no it's cool. I'm just spoiled. By life. Idiots.

Are you scared of flying?
No I LOVE it. I wish I could fly. I wish I could have sex like eagles do because that sounds AWESOME. Though really that's more of a falling than a flying thing.

What do you sleep in?
Tanktops, nighties and underwear. Sometimes boxers and on special occasions.... real pajamas.

Who was the last person you kissed?
Nick


Do you like funny people or serious people?
I like funny people. I have a weakness for funny. Also sometimes being serious sucks.

What are you listening to?
Nothing. Though for some reason I have headphones on. Also just realized that I've had them on for the last three hours and I haven't listened to a goddamn thing. Why? I don't understand. Why did I put them in to begin with? WHat the hell?! I am such a fucking weird-o.

What jewelry do you wear all the time?
My Спаси и Сохрани ring.

What do you have planned for tonight?
I'm going to go hang out with Sasha before she leaves for Milan, and then I don't know. Maybe I'll head out to the country, maybe I'll party some more with Mike, maybe maybe maybe. Maybe I'll actually sleep. The world is full of possibilities.

Is the last person you kissed older than you?
Two years. How scandelandelous. What a cradle robber.

Do you have a favorite item of clothing?
In general I like underwear. Specifically, I guess I wear my black flats pretty often. How FASCINATING. Quick jot this down in your little notebook, this might be on the quiz.

Do you like messages or comments better?
Both. I like human contact and attention no matter what form it's in.

Last movie you saw in theaters?
Kung Fu Panda. Yeah. I'm hardcore. Don't mess with me.

Last thing you ate?
Crackers. The special fiber ones I'm addicted to that apparently affect your poop somehow. I can't tell you how I haven't noticed a difference but my mother is dying to lecture someone about it, so go ask her.

What was last thing you drank?
Water. Mixing red and white wine might not have been the best idea.

Are you happy right now?
Yeah. I mean not perfectly happy, but I definitely wouldn't classify myself under sad.

Who makes you happiest right now?
.... Nick. This is sort of mortifying. Can we stop now?

What were you doing at midnight last night?
Watching the Eurocup.

When is your birthday?
February Third

Do you want to get married & have children one day?
Yeah. I mean someday, that sounds nice.

If you were able to choose, would you prefer a baby boy or girl?
Oh baby boy definitely. I suck at braiding hair and honestly girls are so fucked in our society when it comes to sex, a healthy body image and millions of other things. I would not enjoy guiding a girl through that landmine. Also periods... they suck ok. I never want to be the bearer of such information! Oh baby, by the way, you are going to bleed once a month for several days and your tummy might hurt. Sorry. Fuck that. Boys I feel like get it easier.

Do you like Red Bull?



Would you ever be in a "Girls Gone Wild" tape?
Only maybe in the background, full clothed, pointing and gesturing for my guy friends to look at that girls titties. I do that a lot.

Where is the biggest scar on your body?
On my heart. EMO TEARZ! Haha nah, on my leg from burning myself on the tailpipe of Mikes motorcycle.


Are you trying to avoid something by filling surveys out?
Yup. Sleep. loneliness. Al that fun stuff.

Does everyone deserve a second chance?
Yeah. Sometimes. Maybe. I guess it depends on how exactly they fucked up their first chance.

When is the next time you will kiss someone?
Not till August 19th it looks like.

Did you have a good night?
Yes.

Bad Habits

Technically, Mike isn't a bad habit. Mike is great. The bad habit I am referring to is our tendency to get shit faced when we are together. I think he's funny when drunk, he thinks I'm hilarious, I think he's terribly clever, and that's how we end up on Tverskaya at midnight trashed arguing over how Paris is amazing (even though I've never been) and how if he slaps my ass one more time I will kick him in the balls. I know these don't sound like actual arguments but you don't understand. Mike and I don't care. We will easily argue for hours even though we are both arguing the same thing. It's quite charming really. Or aggravating. Mostly charming though.

We met up earlier today, we wandered around near my house, then it started to rain, so we left his friends and went back to my house. I attempted to prove my culinary proficiency by cooking blini, which I managed to burn. I mean sure I make this dish EVERY single day for myself but of course when I have to cook it for someone else I get distracted and burn them. Making Mike look at them with hesitation. Fuck off. Stop looking so unenthusiastic they are amazing! Which they were. He admitted it. It's true. Btw I am totally aware that this blog isn't going to make any sense because I am still quite drunk, but if I write it later I'll forget shit. You know?

So we ate the Blini and then spent two hours drinking two boxes of wine and watching Youtube videos. Aka my favorite thing to do. EVER. It was great. Except for that part where Mike elbowed me in the boobs. That wasn't that great. That hurt. Fuck you.

The we went out. To Tverskaya. I think our plan was to find a bar, but we never ended up doing that. No no I mean we were in a bar. I peed in a bar. Not like in THE BAR though. I went to the bathroom in one. We didn't really go in though, it was too expensive. The bathroom was IMPRESSIVE though. The mirror, it turned into a TV and played commercials. It would have been really cool if I didn't freak out and think it was an acid flashback. By the time I figured it out I was too embarrassed to stay in the bathroom any longer.

I am convinced that the best compliment you can give a girl is to tell her that she is light. No. Seriously. Or maybe just me. I have absolutely no idea how Wiley and I decided that me in his arms was a great photo opportunity (though I admit, I suspect it was my idea) but then when he told me I was light....awz. So charming. No really. It's not the same as saying a girl is skinny, if you say a girl is skinny, or looks good, well I mean it's a nice thing to say but at the same time it is referring to culturally determined standards of beauty. But being picked up by a boy and being told, "Wow you are really light!"... it's just so casually flattering. I mean it's not like he said I looked good or was attractive, it's just a statement about weight, that might actually refer to my unhealthy eating habits.. but fuck. It was nice to hear! Though clearly I have just determined that I have NO idea why I am so flattered.

I have pigtails.

Hehehe. Handlebars. Jesus. It sucks when you realize that your mind it dirtier than that of your male friends.

Oh Mathew!

This never fails to make me cry!

Good Morning To You Too!

I was awakened this morning when my wooden floor was turned into a tuning fork by my mother who from what I could deduce by the noises she was making, had climbed up onto the kitchen table and was banging on the ceiling with a large hammer. "WAKE UP MASHA WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP MASHA". Then there was silence. I waited a few minutes... there were no more sounds. I could not smell anything burning. So I went back to bed. More specifically into that particularly delicious half doze where I'm really aware of my lucid dreaming. So I was about right in that particular moment of the daydream where sexy things were about to happen... when it happens again. "MASHA GET UP! Did you hear me? Get up! Get up! It's almost one! We are going to be late!! GET UP! GET UP!". What the fuck?! What... I don't understand... what are we late for? What time is it? Did I sleep till five again? Nope. I checked my cellphone its 10:30 a.m. How is that almost one? Wait what time code are we going by? What are we late for? What's going on? I'm not quite sure, but I think I asked some of these questions out loud. I got no response. Everything was silent once more. I wait a few minutes. Nothing. I cautiously yell, "Hello?". No one answers. I wait a few more seconds, "I'm... I'm going to sleep for five more minutes...". No reply.

So I lay back down. In literally what seems like 3 minutes, my mother throws open the hatch door, and starts laying it on me. "You are so SELFISH! We are not going to make the train!! I am leaving WITHOUT you! I hope I never see you AGAIN! You are so LAZY!". With this she pounds back down the stairs and starts bitching to my grandmother about me.

Woah. Woah . Woah. What?

I throw on my clothes, I pack my bag, I go downstairs and in a very calm and mature tone I say "What the holy fuck is going on?!".

"We are going to miss the 11 a.m. train! You think it's more important to lie around being lazy!"

"What 11 a.m. train?!" (See how MAGNANIMOUSLY I ignore being called lazy)

"The one we decided we are taking this morning!" (This is the first I've heard of this "decision")

"When the FUCK did we decide this?!"

"Yesterday! Oh oh I see what you are doing, DON'T PLAY THIS GAME MASHA!"

(What game? What are you talking about? What are the rules? Are there rules? Whats the scoring system? Can I win?No? This game sounds like it SUCKS)

"WHAT. THE. FUCK!" ( Do not mess with me in the mornings. I am serious. I am not a nice person at all. Also very eloquent as you can tell)

"So NOW we have to wait till 1 pm since its 11 and the train leaves Dubna at 11 and gets here at 11:15 and we will never ever ever make it"

(Ok, first of all, we are like 10 minutes walk from the station. It is currently 10:55 pm. So instead of actually leaving, she has been yelling at me for the last 10 minutes. Just wanted to point out how my mothers logic works. I mean I suck at math, but... what the fuck?)

"WHAT THE FUCK!?! I am leaving. You can stay here. I think you are crazy. Oh and btw next time SHARE THESE FUCKING PLANS WITH ME!"

Then I made her race me to the train station. She has shorter legs but I'm sort of thankful she won just because it put her in a really good mood. Though I am not happy about falling into the mud at all. But sacrifices have to be made. She looks so cute and innocent too. So unlike the fucking insane harpy she really is. I should have just started singing "Mambo Italiano" and then could have avoided this fight completely. Though really it's hard fighting with someone who doesn't use any logic and just starts screaming. God.

Lost In Translation

It's my lovely lady lumps... Ok?




Maybe not in Russia. It's ok. It's ok. Don't look so confused. Try again. Sing something else.




Nice. Nice. Good Choice. I like your repertoire so far, "My Humps" and "There's something in my tummy, Oh Yeah". You must be really popular in kindergarten.

Not Sober

I can't believe I am not watching Fatboy Slim right now. This is ridiculous. Ridiculously NOT fair. Fuck. I am a level 3 tipsy, I am dressed for raging, and all I got to see is that stupid guy who was in Prodigy. True, the sneaking in was not done in a stealthy manner AT ALL but I got really excited about the prospect of being a bad ass! Then like 15 minutes later, and after guzzling like 4 sodas which turned out to be alcoholic, the security guards found us and we got kicked out. Well fuck! Whatever. I bet it was WICKED lame. So lame. The lamest. Except I'm pretty sure it's fucking AWESOME.

Reasons why I think it might be have been awesome and I am missing out:

1. This random drunk kid heard my accent and was like, "Oh! You American?! Tell the Bush, "You SUCK"! Ok?".

What Bush? Do you have some transatlantic hatred for an American ficus?

"Haha. Yeah yeah OK!"

What the fuck? What do you want me to do about it? Oh hold on, I share a telepathic tie with all American plant life. Let me just send a horde of bees to destroy that bush with my mind. Do you perhaps know where it is located? I mean latitude and longitude would be really great, but states are good too.

"No No, George Bush Suck! Yeah ok! OK American?"

Oh GEORGE Bush. Well then my telepathic ties are useless. Hold on let me send him a telegram. I mean if I was near a phone then really I would just call, but no no a telegram will work just fine. Or maybe when I get home I'll send an email. Or IM, you know if he's online. Yeah we're tight. Yeah all Americans have him on speed dial actually.

This could have lasted FOREVER! He had no idea what I was saying and would just reply "Haha Yeah! OK!" after everything I said and then string together more English words, creating even more bizare sentences that required extensive mockery. This was basically the face I was giving him the entire time. This is the face.

2. When Kostya was trying to flirt and pull me closer by dipping his finger in my cleavage my bra bit him. No. Really. That's what happens when unwanted hands try to touch my breasts. They are sort of like the sword in the stone. Only the worthy than pull it out. OH SNAP!! Hah. I didn't even mean to make that connection. That's so deep. It can be interpreted in so many ways. As in, pull out the penis. OR the boobs. Pushkin got NOTHIN' on me. Also I am more gangsta. Really what happened was that the underwire ripped through a little and scratched his finger. I have never seen a more baffled look on a boy. Then when his finger started bleeding and I told him the Sword in the Stone explanation he scrunched his eye brows together and for a few minutes... for a few glorious minutes during which gleeful satisfaction spread through my entire body... he believed me. Then he said he didn't but I saw him giving my boobs fearful side glances. I could have exploited his fear EVEN MORE!

3. Clearly the Russian alcohol industry has extended it's target demographic to young pre-teen girls, because that is the only thing that would explain why they would create alcoholic soda. Seriously. It's packaged in bright fun colors, the alcohol content label is not clearly visible and you can't taste the alcohol. Then you INNOCENTLY chug four of them in a row and find yourself belligerently trying to convince the security guards that you are Groove Armada. As in, first name Groove, last name Armada. This did not work. Neither did claiming to be Fatboy Slims girlfriend. Bastards. YOU DON'T KNOW. So then you end up outside, your arms wrapped around a birch tree, wondering why everything is spinning and whether maybe you are fainting.

This is how I found it they were alcoholic:

Kostya: Why are you hugging that tree?

Me: I like this tree. I like trees.

Kostya: Clearly. That's not how you climb it if that's what you are trying to do.

Me: Shh. Shhh. I might be fainting.

Kostya: What?

Me: Everything is getting dark.

Kostya: You closed your eyes.

Me: Oh.

Kostya: You are drunk

Me: Impossible. I didn't drink.

Kostya: You chugged those drinks I got you and they were like 8%.

Me: .... 8% of what? The sodas?

Kostya: They weren't sodas, they were like half vodka.

Me: ... vodka?

Bastard. He asked me if I wanted beer and I said "No, I don't wan't to DRINK. I am just THIRSTY". As in, I don't want to drink alcohol, I am thirsty. He thought I meant I didn't want beer, but something harder. Good god. How hardcore do you think I am? Jesus. He felt guilty and offered to buy wine and get drunk to keep me company. It didn't sound bad. Then he let me hold the wine bottle and that wasn't the greatest idea. I gesture OK?! I was telling the bear story and things got a little heated. Really it was his fault for buying red wine when I like white, and then on top of it wearing a light blue shirt. Also for not capping the wine. Also he hit on me so boo you. Then he went to shower, I promised him I would meet up with him later and went home.

Hey. Hey. Guess what. I'm not going to meet up with him later. Fuck that. I'm tricky like that. Tricky tricky tricky. I didn't take my mad nice camera to the show, so here are some old photos. Drunkity drunkity DRUNK.