That's almost how I got hit by one. I was feeling pretty good, sun shining on me, hater blockers on... I was perhaps sashaying a bit. Purely as a result of a good mood and some upbeat tunes. I passed a couple of looooooovers on a bench, and made eye contact with the guy. Really it was by accident, and I did the polite smile and look away bit, but then as I passed my ipod was playing a quiet tune and so I quite clearly heard the girl go "Can you stop STARING at that girl!? Smiling like an idiot, why don't you just go introduce yourself then, huh!". I actually turned around cuz I wanted to look at the girl too... then I realized it was me. The other realization that came with that one was that I had better keep walking or that girl was going to throw her ice cream cone at me. Oh how the sauntering began. I swished my hips one way, I turned up Kanye West, I swished my hips the other way, I ran my hand through my hair, tilting my head slightly back and then gazed off into the distance to left, as not to seem too full of myself.I'm not vain, I'm deep in thought. It is not my fault my hips happen to not be lying and my lips are in a sexy pout. So engrossed was I, obviously thinking about such complicated issues such as World Peace and um, missiles, in, um, Iran and uhhhhh philosophy... that I failed to notice a truck heading right towards me in the park.
I was thinking about photographic truth in our highly technological generation and whether it still existed, or was just a theory at this point. Honestly. Very engrossing topic... that I was thinking about. I definitely was not thinking about how great my breasts looked in my new bra. Nope. Nope. Photographic truth. SO here I was. Deep in important thoughts, when suddenly my peripheral vision kicks in and I see something yellow in the corner of my right eye. Oh. I shift my gaze. Oh my oh shit oh oh! I literally had to jump back because it was that close to me. Then I gazed up mouth open in shock at the drivers who at this point are waving at me. So are other pedestrians. I snap out of my semi-coma and scurry to the right only to find my way blocked by parked cars. At this point I'm completely confused and turn around twice in tight circles which make the truck drivers throw their hands back and look at me like I'm an idiot. Don't get me wrong I was being a total idiot.. but heyyyy. Don't look at me like that. Finally I get out of their way, they drive away and I'm left with silence and judgemental gazes from other pedestrains. Thats fine. I don't care!! I'm just going to turn up my ipod, and lower my head and speedwalk the hell out of here now. And avoid this tree. I avoided it. I didn't walk into it. I was just walking really fast so I had to turn really fast so that what i turned that fast. Stop looking at me old lady!! Don't shake your head!!!!!!!!!!
They are all so mean. Whatever. I have shiny bouncy hair. Ooooh a Ferris Wheel!
I walked around everywhere today. Literally five hours of straight walking, and then I met up with my mother at the mall. The minute we meet up she goes "Oh, I am SO exhausted, I've walked everywhere today!". Oh yeah? Where have you been? "Well, here. But I've been to all the stores". Aaaare you fucking kidding me? I just walked several miles, over practically all of lower Moscow, and you complain about being tired after walking around in circles for two hours? You also knew that I have covered half of Moscow since you insisted on calling me every hour to check if I was at the mall yet, and every time I told you my location you went "Ooooh you are walking so much!".
Her: Masha you always have to beat my story, no one can ever have a better/worse/crazy day than you. No one can ever be as tired/in pain/exhausted as you!
No. No that's YOU. I'm pretty sure you just described yourself. Oh oh hey, remember how earlier today you came home and told us you were probably going to die because the doctor said you had scoliosis? Then when I informed you that actually I have mild scoliosis too, and it basically just had to do with your back not being straight you glared at me for five minutes and then said I was wrong?
True story. Then when I kept on insisting I was right, she got all these worry lines and told me that I must have a mild case of it while she has the deadly case and will be walking with a cane in three months (her prediction). Yeah. Yeah I mean I have D size breasts but you are the one that's going to be walking with a cane. No no that totally makes sense. Then she informed me that she has worse posture than me. Oh yeah? Then why are you constantly poking me with your super sharp nails and telling me to straighten up. Shouldn't I be doing that to YOU? Then the ignoring began. It always begins when she can't argue anymore.
See!! Booooobs!
I prefer the ignoring to the alternative, which is her reminding me of everything I've ever done wrong in all categories of my life starting from when I was six. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, how exactly does the fact that I bit my doctor at age 13 pertain to this discussion? Answer the question. Answer... answer the question. Answer it. Answer it. Yes, I DO remember forgetting my dress at the beach last week. How does THAT pertain to the discussion?! A few more of these and the ignoring begins. Or I stomp away in tears because god dammit I TOLD you I never even fucking touched your Friends tape never mind broke it. FINE. Whatever. DON'T believe me. Motherfucking six years I've been telling you I didn't break it. SIX years... ok I need to calm down. Breathe in. Breathe out.
Anyways. So we're at the mall and she's trying to find this store that has cheap bras... and she can't find it. My mother has been at this mall for over 3 hours and she can't find the store. I thought you walked everywhere and knew where all the stores were?!
"Now is NOT the time for your sarcasm!"
That wasn't really sarcasm... well. I mean it's a fair question... whatever. Fine I'll drop it. I always drop it. Finally after like 15 minutes of her scurrying in one direction, abruptly stopping and then immediately sprinting in the opposite direction, she makes her way to a security guard and asks for directions. I'm standing maybe a foot or two away but since he's only really talking to her, I only listen with half an ear. He points in one direction, my mother, nodding extensively, re-enacts his action. Every action. After every sentence. All the while nodding repeatedly and saying "Uh huh. Mhmm. Uhuh". The poor guy was so intimidated by the intensivity of my mothers attention that he started stuttering a bit and throwing me desperate glances. Finally he finished, my mother and I walked away and about 3 seconds after leaving him, my mother goes "Oh so what did he say?".
What? Wait, no are you serious? You.. you seemed to be listening...
"Oh so you didn't! Oh so once again the responsibility falls on me! Great great. You need to grow up SOME day Masha, I hope you know!".
At this point I literally have no words so I turn around and go back to ask the guy again. Ridiculous. I'm not even going to get into the story of how she thought that I was an A cup. An A cup. I am quite obviously NOT an A cup and probably haven't been an A cup since 6th grade. Though according to my mother, she remembers how last year I fit into an A cup. I don't even think we were in the same country last year... do you mean in your dreams? Are you hallucinating? Am I hallucinating? Is it possible this entire hour with you has just been one huge intense acid flashback? Honestly... I hope so. I really really hope so.
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