Productivity -> Hampered by Hotness

I'm talking about the heat and my own personal hott-ness. Vain? Yes, terribly. But come on, I look so good! I lost some more weight I think, and I got tan, and my stomach looks tight! Ch-ch-check it out! How did I accomplish this? Well. I'm sick of Russian food. I walk around a lot, and I have intense water fights with the neighborhood kids and apparently there's a shit ton of cardio in surprise sneak attacks.

Of course now it takes me double the amount of time to get dressed. Even less of my own clothing fits me and yet, STILL my mothers clothing looks like it was meant for preschoolers on my body. Oh she's so cute, oh she's so petite everyone says... well yeah but have you ever thought about how SELFISH is it for her to not at all resemble me in body shape, so that I can't wear ANY of her clothes without looking like I grew 4 feet overnight? Yeah. Think about that. Selfish selfish selfish. So yeah that and the fear of kidnapping/accidental marriage/rape makes getting dressed a production of epic proportions. That and it's like 90 degrees out. So I'm wearing shorts and a tshirt, almost ready to leave and my grandpa goes "Those are short shorts huh". Yes well... I mean... isn't that the point of shorts? Wait are you saying I look slutty? Um, well, slutty means... um, like a girl is really really popular with boys... you know, right? Never mind. Never mind. I don't think they had sluts in the Middle Ages. Oh wait, Mary Magdalene? No? Ok lets move on. I'll go change.

So basically I wear the same things over and over again. I did laundry today. That was interesting. I actually had to read the manual for that thing to figure it out. I'm proud to say I conquered the beast. Though this stumped me for some time:




I mean, I just couldn't figure it out. For a minutes I thought maybe I stuff the clothes in around the drum, and somehow that washes it... yeah I know. Thankfully my logic skills kicked in (they do exist, they are just rarely used), and I read the manual and figured it out. Though honestly, how many knobs and options are really needed here folks? I'm not washing a fucking tissue paper gown, I honestly just want my clothes to not smell of sweat. I don't think I own any delicates. Do you mean panties? Oh. Well yeah I own some of those, but honestly, I don't need so many options. Like temperature... why the fuck would I care what temperature my clothes are being washed at? I mean I get hot/warm/cold, but when you give me them in Celsius I'm stumped. Or when you give me the option of picking at what hertz my clothes get washed at. Slow down there buddy... is this washing machine built for nuclear physicists? What the fuck is a hertz?

Also... is this sound normal?




I hope so. I mean my clothes are clean... I think. Smelling nice counts as clean, correct? I also made Blini, and was patting myself on the back for being so productive when my grandfather came in and said "Oh Blini!? I know the PERFECT thing that goes with Blini". Guess what it was. I'll give you a hint. It was *NOT* the perfect thing that goes with Blini. Guess what this is:


If you guessed Mystery Fish in Jelly... that is correct. It is in fact, very smelly mystery fish in a Jello like substance. Only the deep love I have for my Grandpa compelled me to try a bit of this... the taste of which it seems like will never leave my mouth. It wasn't terrible... but it was not good. I think my Grandfathers presentation of it was off. First of all, don't open it and then SUCK THE JELLY. You just sucked fish jelly Grandpa. Yes. Yes you did I just saw you. That was disgusting. No, America has not made me SOFT, you just SUCKED unidentified FISH JELLY. It is NOTHING like Jello. How do I know? I just know!!! Did you seriously just compare it to jello? Grandpa, when was the last time you had Jello, and where did you get it because this is nothing like Jello!!!! Well, for one, it has fish bits floating in it. Jello does not ever ever have fish bits floating in it. Do I really need to move on to number two?! No I will not try it. No. No. No. No. Stop it. Stop it I'm not going to try it. Stop. Stop. Stop it. No. No. No. Wait wait wait... maybe... NO. Jesus. I see where my mother gets her fucking persistence.

Addicted

That Bridge Again

Everyone who visits me in Karmanovo has to climb the bridge. It's tradition. Of course since I've climbed this bridge so many times now I get sort of bored. This time was a little more interesting because a train came right before we got to it, so we had to run for it. Well I ran for it. Mike was a pussy and just got off the tracks into the field. I ran for the bridge and made it just in time. I'm pretty bad ass. Then we climbed on top and gang signs were thrown. Yeah. I know. Shut up. I get bored.

In retrospect Mike never even lived in Western Mass so I don't know why I kept trying to make him make the gang signs for it. Though come on, he lived in Brookline for mad long, if he was going to claim a "hood" that should be it. What the hell does VA stand for anyways? Is that even a real place. I bet it stands for like Vagina Army or something equally stupid.

Mike Visited Me in Karmanovo

Mike visited, it was pretty fun. We got soaked running to the train in the rain, only to arrive and realize that it hadn't rained in Karmanovo. It never actually ended up raining. This guy on the train asked me if Mike was my husband. I know I talk about this a lot, but it amazes me how early people get married here. Not my boyfriend. not my brother, my husband. Right away. Then again in the grocery store. No no, he's just a friend. Oh so your boyfriend? No MAN, he is JUST a friend.... I'm going to throw these potatoes at you.

Immediately upon arrival I was given 40 bucks to spend on beer for us. Beer that we proceeded to drink in a day. Yeah. You heard right. 40 dollars worth of beer, finished in a day. Don't underestimate us. Mike met his target audience, aka the kids, I realized I had the weirdest fucking laugh ever. WHY has no one told me this?! I mean I know all about my weird voice and how yes I sort of have an accent sometimes... but the laugh?! I sound like a deranged clown. Why has no one shot me through the heart or punched me in the face in terror?! Or do you just all talk about it behind my back and throw me pity looks when I'm not looking. I bet you do. The kids at least are slightly honest about it. I laugh and they laugh at me. Why has no one told me?!

We actually had a bunch of fun with the kids. We went bike riding, and fishing and to the canal. It was pretty beast. The bike riding was especially extreme since I had to take Georges bike and George rode on the back of Mikes. I mean not to be an attention whore about it or anything, cuz yeah I think George had the most uncomfortable seat in the house... but have you ever ridden on a bike when the seat was so low it constantly felt like you were biking up hill? Cuz I have. Yeah. Then I took it to the next level and made a movie. I even used the word eXtreme in it. I DO want a medal, thanks. A shiny gold star will also do. A round of applause would be great (but only the kind where you clap your hands in a circle, the other types aren't as cool).

Officially A Grandmother?

I think I qualify. All I do is cook, crochet and play with kittens. Oh and dream about the days gone by when I used to get laid. I refer to that time as "The Golden Months".

The Cooking:

The Crochet:

(oh STOP it!)

Mo' Money, Mo' Problems

The Kittens:


There are no pictures of me not getting laid. Sorry. Also I'm sorry if the crochet kitty was creepy because it has no eyes. I hate sewing on eyes. They always come out crooked and weird. My sewing isn't up to par with my crochet yet. I can tie AWESOME knots though. Without even trying. I'm really talented in that department.

Bells at Novodevichy Convent

This is right next to my house actually, so I hear this every day. Nevertheless I still have not figured out when or why these bells ring. Pretty though, right?

It's been raining oh so hard

This is what it sounds like outside my window. It's been raining like this for several days now. It comes in bursts. Heavy heavy rain, ominous thunder and then, in an hour to sometimes just several minutes, the sun comes out and twinkles at you, denying there ever was a mini monsoon outside your window.

I don't necessarily mind the rain too much. It's cozy to listen to it thundering outside my window. It makes me even more lonely though, because all I want to do is do cozy cuddly things. Like crochet, watch videos, cook and cuddle. Basically I become a grandmother. True Dat!




Isn't it loud?