Masha you broke the camera!

What?! No I didn't! Just turn the knob so that the setting isn't video but normal. The KNOB. Woman, woman, WOMAN, just the knob... the knob, yes yes... no. No. THE KNOB.

Yet she still managed to take two videos of nothing. Great.

George Peeing

I'm sorry the camera is sideways. I didn't realize I couldn't just rotate it like I do with photos. I now realize how stupid that is. Well I didn't until Nick opened my eyes. By the way, I can't use that expression without wanting to sing that Aladdin song. I can show you the world! Shining, shimmering splendor... tell me princess now when will you last let your heart decide. I can OPEN YOUR EYES! Show you wonder, by wonder... over, sideways and under on this magic carpet ride... a whole new world... (Don't you dare close your eyes!). And yes, I can keep going.

[23:17] absinthesucre: I shot a video of it
[23:17] absinthesucre: hahaha
[23:17] absinthesucre: not of him pooping
[23:17] nick mah lik: yeah singing?
[23:17] absinthesucre: but of him singing as he peed, i just shot the door
[23:17] absinthesucre: yeah
[23:17] absinthesucre: except it's side ways
[23:17] nick mah lik: avant garde
[23:17] nick mah lik: film
[23:17] absinthesucre: haha or i was an idiot and thought that i could rotate it like I do photos
[23:18] nick mah lik: haha really?
[23:18] absinthesucre: ... maybe
[23:18] absinthesucre: shut up
[23:18] nick mah lik: thats funnier than the singing thing
[23:18] absinthesucre: SHUT UP! listen, once you get used to handling the camera a certain way...
[23:18] absinthesucre: i hate you

Thanks NICK! Try to ignore my mother babbling on in the background and just listen to George... singing. Yes.

Circus!

Do not get excited. This is the only shot of the inside of the Circus since cameras were strictly forbidden inside. If you were using a camera then a very irritated Russian lady would shine an annoying little red laser in your face till you stopped. I mean I didn't think it was that bad, but since they were repeating the warning about cameras in both English AND Russian my little brother was freaking out and hissing at me to "Stop it stop it stop it!!! STOP IT MASHHAAAAA!". OK. FINE. GOD. No one is going to fucking arrest me. Jeez.


I mean the show was pretty awesome to be honest. I don't know why Tia and I didn't go see it when we were here. The stage actually un-elevates. DESCENDS. Wow. There goes my English. Yeah it descends and then there are different stages, like there was an ice stage where the ice skaters and acrobats go on, as well as the seals. Then there is this cage like thing for lions and then there is a swimming pool for the parrots. Well the parrots don't swim... actually I have no fucking clue why they had to have that pool thing because apart from a few not especially fantastic swimmers, nothing was in the pool. It was a cool effect and all but still. One of many things that caused me some confusion this evening. The other: why the hell would you pick a song whose lyrics are " I've noticed you around, I find you very attractive. Would you go to bed with me?" THERE ARE CHILDREN HERE. Jeeeeeez. The camels were pretty cool though. The seals were sassy. Over all good evening.


Though going on the little kid rides was embarrassing as fuck. Yeah sure George, the crazy bus DOES look really crazy. Then my mom comes back with two tickets.

MASHA! He can't go ALONE!?!?

Why?! Why the hell not? He's six years old!! I am twenty-one years old MOTHER! I am NOT going on a little kids ride!! The bus doesn't even look that crazy. I LIED!

He might jump out!

WHAT?!?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE JUMP OUT?!

Fine. Fine. Go tell your brother that the reason he isn't going to go on the ride is because YOU are being selfish.

Goddammit. (I went)

It wasn't crazy either. It was super NOT crazy. Wicked sane. My little brother was screaming his head off though. Wow to be six again. He also at one point buried his head in my chest and was whimpering "Make it stop! Make it stop!". Make what stop? The slight rocking motion we are feeling? Good god my little man! Stop believing the hype. We aren't even upside down or anything. The he started farting and my Crazy Bus experience sucked even more. God.


The teacups were pretty fun because we could spin them ourselves, but then we had to deal with my mother yelling "MASHA! OH MY GOD! You are going to fall out! George is going to throw up! SPIN THE OTHER WAY!!". Screaming really. SO that was embarrassing. She riled up all the other moms too and they began screaming "Spin the other way!!" as well. Right. Great. Thanks for enhancing our teacup ride experience. Crazy Biddies. Somehow no one threw up or fell out. I don't know how that miracle happened. Since that ride was so EXTREME and all.

Here we are in the DANGEROUS and EXTREME teacup. Very few photographs exist since we were spinning SO FAST we became blurs. Then almost invisible to the naked eye. I think that's when we broke the sound barrier. Who knew teacups were so bad ass. I would think that would happen if we were riding in a whiskey bottle or something, but I never expected THIS.
I feel slightly embarrassed because I am obviously enjoying myself in this photo. Listen... they were a LITTLE extreme. Shut up. It was fun though. George sat in my lap the entire show, and continued with his inappropriate farting. I was a bit suspicious when my mom bought him a light up fan as a toy. Why not a glow stick? A flashing light saber? Then I found out. Nice George Nice. Stop giggling. And STOP doing it on my LAP!

Vanity is Embarrassing

I learned that today when I took this photo. See the Rollerbladers in the background? Well I didn't see them. Until I was taking the second photo and they started laughing. Thus the embarrassed "Yeah I'm a fucking idiot" smile.It's not like either of these photos came out good either.

This is my sheepish expression.


Ps- I like Nick Malik

I Walked 7 Miles Today

... And the day isn't over yet. In fact I have to go soon. I need to stop by and grab my uncles web camera and maybe eat a steak. Then I am meeting Arisha for Sushi tonight. Busy Busy Busy Busy.

I think I sprained my left ankle a bit. I was taking a photograph and walking, which is quite dangerous, really. I mean I think it's underrepresented in the things mothers tell you to watch out for, and be careful in doing. I did not see that curb at all! Or more accurately, I did not see the END of the curb at all. Plus the streets were all cobblestoned and there were street artists, and many shoppers and people with monkeys and really it was quite hectic.

So I really don't think that woman that I fell on top of should have used SUCH strong language. Honestly. It's not like I meant to tackle you! A nice gentleman helped me up and I feel quite bad for looking at him so suspiciously and thinking that he was trying to steal my bag. Then when I realized he was just being polite I should have overcome my embarrassment and thanked him politely instead of blurting out how his tie is "the most handsome tie I have ever seen ever".

Maybe I shouldn't be let out in public. I hardly ever come off as smooth as I do in my day dreams. I am SO SO smooth and sexy in my daydreams. Like the female version of James Bond and I wear pretty dresses and heels and know tons and tons of important people. And have mad martial art skillz. I wish I wish I wish. Someday.

I decided to go wander around alone today. Not that I lack company, or hate people, but I just wanted to be alone. Well actually I would have loved to have been with Tia but the bitch wont come visit. Honestly, it just shows you how selfish she is. SO selfish. So I got off at this Metro station which is just one stop away from my house and it's about the river? canal? I don't know what this body of water is, and every time I either call it a river or a canal some Russian person scoffs at me. I told you I DIDN'T KNOW! The English translation of the stations name is Sparrow Hills .It's such a fucking pretty place and tons of people were rollerskating and biking around and I just walked the length of the river, enjoying it all.

I came upon these workers taking a fishing break. It was pretty sweet. I wanted to get a closer photograph, but the very fat shirtless one started cat calling and scared me away some what. I think this photograph shows where I get my work ethic from.


Here is the part where I show off my knowledge of Russia's history and landmarks... ummm this is an Alien ship that landed here many many years ago when Stalin was the ruler. Stalin was already dealing with a lot of shit, and he didn't want to have to handle the PR nightmare that would have been an Alien Invasion so he sent the alienz and all the people who saw the landing/alienz to Sibera. Then he constructed a ton of shit around it, put a fountain and some flowers in front of it, and called it a building. Several years later, a sassy black guy and a somber yet funny in his own way white guy will use it to save a small galaxy from a most certain death. U-S-A! U-S-A! oh wait wait. Shit. R-U-S-S-I-A! Eh doesn't have the same ring to it. Who needs a guide book? I'm your own personal tour guide baby!



This is what the view would look like if I was really really short. Or an ant. OR a small bird. Perhaps a swallow.


I'm going to break my photos up into several posts. That will be easier for me and I'll feel really proud of myself. SCORE!

A Taste of Russian Culture

Masha, My Mother says to me... let's go out today. It is such a nice day, let's go enjoy the weather and the sights. Alright. Well that doesn't sound bad at all, let me cancel my plans.

"What exactly are we going to do, Mom?"

"Oh I don't know, let's see where the day takes us... I sort of want to visit the furniture museum."

"The furniture museum?"

"Well it's more like modern art. There are gardens there. Ice skating too!"

"Oh, weird. Sounds cool. I'm down."

So we leave our little house, and it is quite a nice day out. I'm convinced that the clouds in Russia are much closer to the ground. I feel like I can touch them if I jump high enough.

"Masha, Masha, here stand here, this is a great photo opportunity! You can show your friends!"

"Well.... ok. I'm pretty sure it's just a street sign and a beer truck... but ok. Sure"

Then we went the Metro. It's actually against the law to take photos inside, I have no idea why but it is true.

"Masha, Masha, watch out for policemen, I am going to take photos!"


"Ok. Wait Mom, aren't those policemen over there?!"


"NO! HAHA. You are stupid, those are students training to be policemen, see they are wearing greenish gray? Well policemen wear just gray! Honestly, Masha!"


Yes yes of course. Just gray. How amazingly STUPID of me. All those years of college, gone to waste, honestly. Meanwhile she takes about four photos, two of which are of the lamps. No no Mom, they ARE really cool lamps. Honestly. The coolest.

We arrive at the Modern Furniture Art Museum.

Otherwise known as Ikea.

"What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?! What the fuck is this?! Where are the gardens?! The Ice Skating?! This is NOT a Museum of Modern Art!"

"Ikea is very modern Masha. Also it sells art! I'm not a liar there are gardens! There is ice skating!"

"You said we were going to enjoy the weather!!! See some sights!!! You have taken me to a GIANT SHOPPING CENTER!!!"

"Masha, do you think we should get these matte plates in brown or the gray? And look at those cute little cactus's!"

"Gray... God DAMMIT! I hate you"

The Gardens. Inside the Giant Shopping Center. Otherwise known as Capitalist Hell.


She didn't lie about the Ice Skating Rink. I guess. I mean she didn't exactly mention it was in a Mall... but ok. You know what, I'm trying to be positive here.


I've been bamboozled. By my very own mother. For SHAME.

She just walked by and hit me for not reminding her to buy hangers. I live with the DEVIL.

Gas Prices: A Comparison

My Mother: "So Masha are gas prices cheaper here or in the US now?"

Biddie, what the fuck?! I have no idea what all these numbers mean!