My Pupils ARE Different Sizes

Look! Look! Look! Look!


I think I like the eye lashes on my right eye the best. Yes yes. My right eye is my favorite. If I become a one eyed pirate that is def the eye I would display. It's decided. Whew, one important decision, out of my way. Hooray!

Cast of Characters (Partial)

Sasha -> Twenty-two, absolutely brilliant and my closest friend at the Dacha. She keeps me in check and from running completely wild because she is a LADY. I mean it. A real one. Basically, she's who I want to be when I grow up. She travels, knows several different languages, is very well read and is such a nice and well spoken girl. Also the only one my Grandmother would trust me with anywhere and everywhere. "Oh well if Sasha is jumping into a fiery hell pit, then sure you can go!".




Sasha's grandma and mom always feed me little cakes and offer me tea when I come over, so naturally they are my most favorite people in the whole wide world. I also have no idea why they like me so much because I swear to god I'm sort of a dumb ass and get into scrapes quite often. Like if I had perfect daughters like Sasha and Anya I would NOT be so enthusiastic about them having a girl like me as their friend. I giggle about boys, I jump of piers, I am not as well read and I drink. I also fall out of trees and come home late. Maybe they don't know. I hope they never find out.

Anya -> Um 17? 18? She's Sasha's younger sister and classifies herself as a geek. Right. You look like a model. No I don't care that Kafka puts you to sleep, you look like a model. You. Look. Like. A. Model. Be careful if she has her hair in a braid and whips her hair around because I've been hit by that thing and it almost knocked me out.


Shurik -> Fuck. Why did I start with ages when I don't know anyones for certain. A little older than me I'm going to guess. 23, 22? Back in the day Dima and him used to be inseparable. To the point of him dating Arisha when Dima didn't want to date her. Haha, apparently that was him helping Dima out because Dima wanted to kiss me/ date me (which in the Dacha honestly is the same thing) and figured that would make me feel more comfortable. We used to call him "Frog Legs" because he would wear this green sports costume around everywhere. He might be getting married to Aleona, the girl with him in the photos. My dear frog legs!


Shurik used to have this white "peterka", this really shitty old Russian car, that he was obsessed with and one summer afternoon he roped me into helping him tint the cars windows so that he could be more bad ass. This involved take the door off the frame, unscrewing it so that we could see the inside, then since he had the roll-up kind of windows, we had to take the tight chain off two screws so that we could take the window out. One chain broke, which caused him to swear and to huff and puff at me though I was simply watching and the rest came off only after they had thoroughly cut up our hands and there was no more trouble for them to cause. We tinted the windows. We put everything back (again much cursing and blood and sweat and my frustrated tears were involved). Then after everything was back, and one window permanently sealed shut, Shurik informed me that the car had to stay this way, with the windows up, for four days for the tint to take hold. Hmm, alright but didn't we have plans to drive to the sea today with 5 other people and go swimming? Don't you have the only car right now? We almost died. Well you know what they say. There is no manslaughter without laughter.


Igor and Tanya -> yeah two different people, and Tanya isn't even from this Dacha, she's Igor's girlfriend but they are getting married! In late August or early September. I just can't process it. I can say it. I just can't seem to process it. They are my age. Maybe a year or two older. Good god. Marriage. Wow. I mean honestly, they've been together for four years already and they are a great pair, but still. Marriage. I still can't get over how young people get married here. So young. I mean I like the idea of settling down, of falling in love and being happy with someone for a long time, but Marriage is still quite out of the picture. I remember when Igor and his friend Deshka got pissed that Arisha and I were hanging out with the boys from Gosplan (a neighboring town) and so they challenged them (aka Shurik, Dima and their friends) to a soccer game. As in, who ever won the soccer game would win us. I think we were thirteen or fourteen at the time. It was horribly silly and unflatteringly puts me in the role of property to be won, but I would be lying if I said that my teenage heart didn't tremble from the excitement and romance of it all. Now he's getting married.


I need to stop writing posts that make me cry. I'll finish this one later

Susliks Birthday

His name is Leisha. I know I KNOW! It's just. This is the kid that used to have a really big head and would dress up to play soccer! The kid that I used to make up stupid bicycle games with and who would walk me home. Who I would sometimes make fun of because I was a whole year older and thus much much wiser. It's really inappropriate to keep calling him "Suslik" which basically means gopher. Now he's twenty and we're toasting his health and happiness and goodness gracious I forgot that it's customary to drink after every toast. Wow. Thankfully the table was well set. Vodka, Champagne, Wine, and then moving away from alcohol, there was every kind of cold salad imaginable, little sandwiches with caviar, fresh vegetables, and that was just the first course. Well the alcohol was for every course. Then for the second course there was this amazing chicken and then cake... his mother is amazing. Not only did she set this amazing table TWICE, having done so the day before in Moscow, but also she sat around and drank with us, telling us tales of whats important in life.


You know how grownups lecture you on that you are like "I KNOW, I KNOW, god shut up!" but you don't say that because you have to respect your elders? Well it wasn't like that. Natasha was so just such a nice, happy woman and she told such heartwarming tales and she prized friendship over all. How loyal friends were the best thing anyone could have and things like that and told stories about how when Leisha was born everyone arrived to the hospital to wish her well... I don't know it just sort of struck a chord in me. I guess it's because my family moves around a lot, and it just works out that most of the support and love I receive comes from my friends, but well, she sort of reaffirmed the fact that friends are very important. I mean well duh, of course they are, but I often get shit from my family because they think I'm overly loyal to my friends and they keep repeating "Friends aren't forever". Yeah well, I mean they kinda are.


Here are these kids who I don't see in forever, who I see maybe several times a summer every few years and they still accept me back with open arms. They've all grown up, and I know that there is no way I'll ever get back those golden days of childhood that were spent adventuring out around Karmanovo, but they are still around. They still remember. God our summers were fucking golden. Our parents would all send us here to live with our grandparents and we would have such adventures. Tom and Huck style. It makes me sad to think of this as in the past. To think of these kids as grown ups. It fucking sucks. At the birthday I teared up at one point, after learning my friends were getting married, and I thought it was the alcohol but it wasn't. I have to end this post before I end up bawling my eyes out which will result in my mother coming in and mocking me.

And though the shadow of a sigh

May tremble through the story,
For "Happy summer days" gone by,
And vanish'd summer glory-
It shall not tough with breath of bale
The pleasance of our fairy-tale.

Lewis Carroll

Rules of Karmanovo

These are The Rules of Karmanovo established in 1995 by my Grandmother Valya with whom I lived with during the summers there.

#1. Do not sit on the benches in front of the store. Only Alcoholics, Bums and Men sit on those benches. Nice young ladies do not. If you sit there EVER I will know because I have friends and they all go to the store and they will tell me. OHHHhhhhhh how you will get it then!

-> At first this rule was easy to comply with because I had no money to spend at the store, and also because the benches were terribly dirty. Then. New benches were built. My friends started sitting on them. I started standing near by, oh so casually leaning against the side of the store. Then I got bolder. I started crouching near the benches, anxiously searching the faces of any elderly woman that passed by, looking for a spark of recognition, because all of my grandmothers friends look the same to me. Finally, when I was about 16 I would fearlessly sit at the benches daring anyone to say anything... and if I saw my grandfather or grandmother biking up to the store... I would either jump up and run into the store or hide. It depended on how far away they were.

#2. Be home in time for meals. Otherwise you will not eat.

-> I would have never ever EVER broken this rule if I knew when meals were supposed to be. But see my Grandma was sneaky, she'd SAY 5, but what she really meant was "I want you to be home at 5 because you need to peel a pound of potatoes and weed the entire garden and then tame that wild stallion". Then she would say it was to give me an appetite. Meanwhile I had already gotten an appetite from running around breaking all her rules, so really this was unnecessary. Which I demonstrated by never showing up on time for meals. I always ate. Except now there are so many people at my house that if I don't arrive in time, I actually don't eat and no one feels any pity for me and I am forced to chew on bread while people putter around me mocking/judging/making bets on how much weight I'll gain this summer. I hate them all. GIVE ME BACK MY CONDENSED MILK IMMEDIATELY!

#3. Do not swim in the Canal, it is dirty and far away. If you drown I will not help you.

-> Well, technically jumping off the pier into the Canal isn't swimming. It's more like falling and then getting out. So really I don't think I broke that rule. Oh. Oh never mind I did, I forgot about that time we went skinny dipping. Also since the getting out of the water required swimming I guess I did break that rule after all. Honestly, my grandmother clearly underestimated the power of peer pressure and the fact that I'm a dumb ass. So once again, not my fault.


#4. Do not climb or go on the Metal Bridge. You will die. If I ever see you on there I will find that whip I SWEAR TO GOD!

-> Oh. Well. Haha. I had to find out why that rule merited the threat of whipping. Well hmm, its a metal bridge, meant for only trains, that's built across a river. Where coincidentally an old wooden bridge used to be so if you fall off into the river, you can actually impale yourself on some old wooden posts. If your name happens to be Vlad, oh well wouldn't that be ironic.


Not only did I break this rule, I positively demolished it. Hide and Seek or "Priatki" was a favorite game on the bridge, with "Salki" or Tag, not far behind. We would literally risk our stupid little oblivious necks running at break neck speeds over the top of the bridge, or sliding down underneath it to hide in the beams. Then when an elektrichka (train) would come we'd scream shrilly and either stay on and hold on or run off the side of the tracks while the bridge shook and the sound of the train whistle and screeching metal filled the air, almost deafening us. Then after it passed we'd get out from our hiding places with shining eyes exchange thrilled/scared/excited glances, while our hearts pounded with adrenaline.

I love the bridge. I love climbing it, I love the views from the top and I absolutely love that while the pier has been fenced in and is no longer jump-able, the benches have once again fallen into disrepair, and I don't get those same kinds of home cooked Russian meals... the bridge has stayed the same. I'm still forbidden to climb it, I still do and my Grandmother still scolds when she sees the photos.



You could have fallen off!

What? I was climbing a ladder and then I was standing on rather wide pieces of metal! How could I have fallen off?

You could have lost your balance!

But I wasn't balancing! The beams aren't narrow! (Though honestly this is a valid point, I often lose my balance just standing and such)

There could have been a strong wind!

There was no wind!

Here my mother oh so helpfully chipped in:

A bird could have knocked you over!

What? Wait... what?

Are you serious? A bird? Could have... flown into me? What kind of birds do YOU deal with on a daily basis?! What are you talking about!?! Are you seriously suggesting the scenario that I would be standing on top of the bridge, and some deadly kind of swallow my kamikaze into me and knock me over?! First of all I haven't even seen any birds bigger that swallows around, especially not in the day time. Second of all, that deadly bird of yours is required to not only pick up enough speed to actually knock me over, but to specifically AIM for me. Do you really think that that is even a possibility?

My Mother: You never know what fate has in store for you.


That night a bat flew into my coat. Honestly.

Karmanovo!

I'm serious about the sky being closer here than it was in America. The weather almost seems to confirm the closeness of the sky, it changes so momentarily that sometime I feel like I can influence it. Russian thunderstorms are perfect weather when reading The Master and Margarita by the way. Next lazy day I have, I'm taking the Russian version of it to Sparrow Hills, and when I come across the chapter where the Master says his goodbye to the city, I am going to wander around and try to find the exact spot where that bizarre company stood on their magic horses. It exists. I know it does.

Everyone was in Karmanovo this weekend. It was some Russian holiday, so it was a four day weekend, starting Thursday. Sasha was there, with Anya and basically everyone else. Well not everyone. But a large chunk of everyone. We went exploring. We drank (of course). We climbed bridges. Got sunburned. I got a new camera! Basically stuff happened. Good stuff. There needs to be some kind of order, and I need to eat. SO I think I'm going to run down to the store, get some food, then while I'm cooking it, I'll break things up into posts and will fill you guys in on what went down. I'll give you a teaser: Gang signs were thrown, and there are a few more photos in which I look Asian. GET EXCITED. Hopefully this wont be like the last time I planned on breaking things up into several posts and I just ended up... well... I didn't do that. Haha. I will this time I will!

Aren't my friends pretty?

The Bears Got Me

I cried.

Just imagine this scenario. You are peacefully lying in a loft bed, innocently reading out loud from Dr. Seuss's The Cat In The Hat, when out of nowhere, a Bear punches you in your left eyebrow. You do not expect this. In fact, my reaction was to scream "WHATTHEFUCK?!" and almost fall out of the bed. That's until the pain hit and stunned me into being immobile for a few minutes. Then a few seconds after the first wave of mind numbing pain subsided a bit, I was able to curl into the fetal position with my hand over my eye and commence the sobbing/hysterical laughter.

No seriously, first of all I think my eyebrow is fractured or something because it's VERY sensitive to the touch. Also I am terrified of sleeping in the lofted bed since clearly being 2 feet from the ceiling will not have any affect on flying bear attacks.

Reasons why I am afraid of the loft bed:
1. I can fall out of it
2. The ladder can break loose from the bed and I can fall
3. It was constructed by some random male my mother captured in the building and thus I do not trust that it is well built. I am going to say it has NO structural integrity. I'm not quite sure what that means. But I am sure the bed doesn't have it.
4. Loose screws fall onto the mattress and then I get scratched
5. Rape By the Lego-Men
6. Bear Attack

... really the list can go on and on and on.

The Bear:


Oh Oh! Do NOT be fooled by the cuteness. Or the plastic. This is one mean/deadly son of a bitch. It is not just a random plastic bear, who you'd imagine weighs nothing and just sits around brining happiness and light into lives.


Well. He brings light. When he has batteries. That's right. This is a bear FLASHLIGHT! Oh how useful and adorable, you might exclaim. Well shut the fuck up. That makes him heavy and classifies him under things you could be bludgeoned with. You wont think he's so fucking adorable when he's flying at you going 50 mph.


NOT. FUNNY. AT. ALL.

I want to mention that the reaction of my mother was to laugh. While her daughter was sobbing and in obvious pain, did she yell at George? No. Did she ask if I was ok? It doesn't count if it's done while laughing. Actually she asked me to be careful and not break it. It BROKE my FACE!!

WHAT THE HELL!?!?!?!?!

I Am Going To Get Fat

This is what I eat for breakfast almost every day. Or a version of this. I learned how to cook Blini the other day, though honestly since we only have Kefir (I think it's sour milk) and not milk, they come out a bit odd. It doesn't matter though since I drown them in condensed milk anyways. Mmmmm, liquid sugar. How I love you. I have no qualms about feeding it to children either. It makes George shut up for longer than five minutes, which everyone thought was impossible till now. I think it's because his teeth are stuck together, but hey if it works it works.

Cooking my odd shaped Blini. They look more like Sirniki.


George really helps the cooking process.


We actually eat so much condensed milk that I needed to buy a new can yesterday. By we I mean George and I. Think about it, have you ever had a can of condensed milk run out? It wasn't old either, it ran out in a week. A WEEK. You Americans probably have no idea what I'm talking about.

Actually, condensed milk doesn't only come in cans now. Yeah, it comes in plastic packets too, that's what that is in the first photo. A little condensed milk trivia for you there.
Mmmmmm. When I come back I can cook some for you if you like. I can recreate this magical magical experience. You know you want it.