I Walked 7 Miles Today

... And the day isn't over yet. In fact I have to go soon. I need to stop by and grab my uncles web camera and maybe eat a steak. Then I am meeting Arisha for Sushi tonight. Busy Busy Busy Busy.

I think I sprained my left ankle a bit. I was taking a photograph and walking, which is quite dangerous, really. I mean I think it's underrepresented in the things mothers tell you to watch out for, and be careful in doing. I did not see that curb at all! Or more accurately, I did not see the END of the curb at all. Plus the streets were all cobblestoned and there were street artists, and many shoppers and people with monkeys and really it was quite hectic.

So I really don't think that woman that I fell on top of should have used SUCH strong language. Honestly. It's not like I meant to tackle you! A nice gentleman helped me up and I feel quite bad for looking at him so suspiciously and thinking that he was trying to steal my bag. Then when I realized he was just being polite I should have overcome my embarrassment and thanked him politely instead of blurting out how his tie is "the most handsome tie I have ever seen ever".

Maybe I shouldn't be let out in public. I hardly ever come off as smooth as I do in my day dreams. I am SO SO smooth and sexy in my daydreams. Like the female version of James Bond and I wear pretty dresses and heels and know tons and tons of important people. And have mad martial art skillz. I wish I wish I wish. Someday.

I decided to go wander around alone today. Not that I lack company, or hate people, but I just wanted to be alone. Well actually I would have loved to have been with Tia but the bitch wont come visit. Honestly, it just shows you how selfish she is. SO selfish. So I got off at this Metro station which is just one stop away from my house and it's about the river? canal? I don't know what this body of water is, and every time I either call it a river or a canal some Russian person scoffs at me. I told you I DIDN'T KNOW! The English translation of the stations name is Sparrow Hills .It's such a fucking pretty place and tons of people were rollerskating and biking around and I just walked the length of the river, enjoying it all.

I came upon these workers taking a fishing break. It was pretty sweet. I wanted to get a closer photograph, but the very fat shirtless one started cat calling and scared me away some what. I think this photograph shows where I get my work ethic from.


Here is the part where I show off my knowledge of Russia's history and landmarks... ummm this is an Alien ship that landed here many many years ago when Stalin was the ruler. Stalin was already dealing with a lot of shit, and he didn't want to have to handle the PR nightmare that would have been an Alien Invasion so he sent the alienz and all the people who saw the landing/alienz to Sibera. Then he constructed a ton of shit around it, put a fountain and some flowers in front of it, and called it a building. Several years later, a sassy black guy and a somber yet funny in his own way white guy will use it to save a small galaxy from a most certain death. U-S-A! U-S-A! oh wait wait. Shit. R-U-S-S-I-A! Eh doesn't have the same ring to it. Who needs a guide book? I'm your own personal tour guide baby!



This is what the view would look like if I was really really short. Or an ant. OR a small bird. Perhaps a swallow.


I'm going to break my photos up into several posts. That will be easier for me and I'll feel really proud of myself. SCORE!

A Taste of Russian Culture

Masha, My Mother says to me... let's go out today. It is such a nice day, let's go enjoy the weather and the sights. Alright. Well that doesn't sound bad at all, let me cancel my plans.

"What exactly are we going to do, Mom?"

"Oh I don't know, let's see where the day takes us... I sort of want to visit the furniture museum."

"The furniture museum?"

"Well it's more like modern art. There are gardens there. Ice skating too!"

"Oh, weird. Sounds cool. I'm down."

So we leave our little house, and it is quite a nice day out. I'm convinced that the clouds in Russia are much closer to the ground. I feel like I can touch them if I jump high enough.

"Masha, Masha, here stand here, this is a great photo opportunity! You can show your friends!"

"Well.... ok. I'm pretty sure it's just a street sign and a beer truck... but ok. Sure"

Then we went the Metro. It's actually against the law to take photos inside, I have no idea why but it is true.

"Masha, Masha, watch out for policemen, I am going to take photos!"


"Ok. Wait Mom, aren't those policemen over there?!"


"NO! HAHA. You are stupid, those are students training to be policemen, see they are wearing greenish gray? Well policemen wear just gray! Honestly, Masha!"


Yes yes of course. Just gray. How amazingly STUPID of me. All those years of college, gone to waste, honestly. Meanwhile she takes about four photos, two of which are of the lamps. No no Mom, they ARE really cool lamps. Honestly. The coolest.

We arrive at the Modern Furniture Art Museum.

Otherwise known as Ikea.

"What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?! What the fuck is this?! Where are the gardens?! The Ice Skating?! This is NOT a Museum of Modern Art!"

"Ikea is very modern Masha. Also it sells art! I'm not a liar there are gardens! There is ice skating!"

"You said we were going to enjoy the weather!!! See some sights!!! You have taken me to a GIANT SHOPPING CENTER!!!"

"Masha, do you think we should get these matte plates in brown or the gray? And look at those cute little cactus's!"

"Gray... God DAMMIT! I hate you"

The Gardens. Inside the Giant Shopping Center. Otherwise known as Capitalist Hell.


She didn't lie about the Ice Skating Rink. I guess. I mean she didn't exactly mention it was in a Mall... but ok. You know what, I'm trying to be positive here.


I've been bamboozled. By my very own mother. For SHAME.

She just walked by and hit me for not reminding her to buy hangers. I live with the DEVIL.

Gas Prices: A Comparison

My Mother: "So Masha are gas prices cheaper here or in the US now?"

Biddie, what the fuck?! I have no idea what all these numbers mean!

Fuck US Candid Camera

I'm up late and watching this:



Russian Candid Camera is far more bad ass. They show titties too. Awesome.



This one is my moms favorite:



Alright. Bed. LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE

My Brother is Awesome

We were listening to my Ipod Shuffle the other day, and Jayz's "99 Problems" came on, and we listened to it for a few seconds until I realized there were swears and so I skipped ahead and he was like "NO! That's my favorite song!"

Proving once more that George is DA SHIT.

Also while we were in the country, I was listening to him play house with Sasha, and she was complaining about how he's messy and a terrible husband... and he goes:

"Hush Hush, just drink a little beer and everything will be fine"

Haha. All in the tradition of the Gutarovs. No seriously I have no idea where he gets this shit. HILARIOUS.

My Gentleman Caller

I had my first gentleman caller today. His name is Kostya and I had gone bowling with him earlier in the day. Then about an hour or two after I got home from that, he dropped in and brought me tulips. I had to have tea with him, with my mother giggling furiously in the next room and popping in now and then to offer more sweet biscuits and shit. The asshole ate all my sweetened and dried mango strips and didn't even let me take a photo of him with his tulips.

Kostya: Masha I am not a zoo.

Well... not a WHOLE zoo. You do resemble a hungry giraffe somewhat when you EAT ALL MY MANGO STRIPS. It was very bizarre though. He rang the doorbell, I opened the door and then was all like "What are you doing here?" but before he could answer my mother knocked me over and dragged him inside and took the flowers and put them in a vase and poured some tea and set out some biscuits and in a very ferocious whisper, she hissed "You entertain your gentleman caller and BE A LADY" It was like being caught up in some sort of perfumed petite hurricane. My attempts at being a lady were somewhat shattered when Kostya pointed out that my pants were unbuttoned. Oh oops. Whatever, they are high waisted, and so I unbuttoned them while I was at home! My mom didn't have to groan so loud from the living room.

I went bowling today. I fucking rock at bowling. It made me hate Russian biddies more though because they didn't even try. Two of them wore heels. To bowling. Oh bitch PLEASE. Meanwhile I bowled and smoked and drank and rabble roused with the guys and the girls just turned up their noses at us. When Stas got drunk and forgot to let go of the ball and slid half way down the aisle, I almost pissed my pants but they (and I'm pretty sure they were all called Nastya or Lena, Idk they aren't my friends) acted all embarrassed and shit. Please. Get over yourself. I took my grandfathers sick ass Nikon camera and took some nice pics... or I assume they were nice because I forgot to take off the lens cap cover. Oh. Well. See that's why pregaming is not always a good idea. I'll post some old pics though.

Кавказская пленница

Or "How A Lack of Sour Cream Nearly Led to My Kidnapping". Alternate street title of: "What The Fuck?! I Am Definitely Worth More Than Two Chickens and A Goat You Asshole!"

Why the fuck does this keep happening to me? Do I look buy-able? First in Casablanca, now here. It's always for livestock too, never anything really awesome. Woohoo a camel. Ooooh great a goat. Why not some gold? A piece of land somewhere? What the fuck is anyone going to do with a goat?

I was just going to the village store for some sour cream that the children could put on their cottage cheese... No I'm serious, I don't get it either but that's what my grandma told me! I WASN'T ASKING FOR IT OK?! Russian kids eat weird shit. Anyways. So here I am, all innocent, listening to Paper Planes on my ipod and maybe slightly getting jiggy wit it (nah nah NAH nah nah NAH NAH), when I realize that this guy has been walking slightly behind me, and talking to me.

(On a side note: How much do you hate it when people talk to you when you have your headphones in? I always feel mad guilty but at the same time I'm like, dude they are lime green headphones, how do you not see them? Do you not know what they mean? I'm hardly wearing them as a fashion statement, you now? Unless the statement is "I'm fucking listening to some sweet jams right now because I don't want to hear the surrounding bullshit")

Anyways. So I take the headphones out and he comes up to me, and the minute he starts speaking I realize that ethnically he's not Russian. I speak in a slightly accented Russian, but this kid sounded like Borat on crack. Maybe that's his game: he spouts ridiculous shit and the ladies don't run away screaming because they aren't sure if they heard him correctly. Then before they know it they are lovers in his apartment, with her parents the confused owners of some useless livestock. Very naice! Basically this is the conversation:

Him: Young lady! Young lady... hello?!
Me: Um. Hello
Him: Young lady, may I make your acquaintance?
Me: (awkward pause) Well. Sure, alright
Him: My name is Alec
Me: My name is Masha
Alec: Masha?

(Yes only the most common Russian girls name ever. Dude you are in Russia. Why the fuck are you repeating my name like you are trying to get the pronunciation right? There is no fucking way you have made it across the border, and this far into the country without encountering another Masha. No. Fucking. Way. So basically you are a moron. )

Me: Yes. (Moron)
Alec: Masha, when I saw you pass my gate, I thought "This girl is very not bad. Very pretty".


(What a great shitty compliment. At least he had an ok follow up. I bet he hit on me because I still had the dandelion wreath still on my head like an idiot. Oh an in the language of flowers, Dandelions mean coquetry. So not only do they steal the light and other nutrient from REAL flowers but they also RUIN LIVES. Yeah I said it. Dandelions aren't real flowers. Bring it, dandelions. BRING IT.)

(On another side not, Dandelion wreathes are pretty easy to make -> I can teach you. If you aren't a total idiot.)

Me: (Pause) Oh. Well. Thank you. I think.
Alec: Masha, may I make your acquaintance as a lover?
Me: (Long confused pause) Wait... what?
Alec: I wish for us to become lovers. Us! Lovers!

(Very long pause during which I stare at him open mouthed and very confused, still trying to figure out whether maybe somehow I misinterpreted him. Alec meanwhile is nodding his head enthusiastically, smiling but completely fucking serious. I only wonder if this has ever worked for him. Clearly not if he's accosting strange women he sees on the road to be his bride)

Me: No... no thank you.

(I pride myself on being polite)

Alec: Oh well can I have your number?
Me: I don't have a number. I'm not from around here.
Alec: (Suspicious look) You don't have a number? Where are you from?
Me: America. Boston. (In response to his confused look I elaborate further, trying to enunciate more clearly) U S A! America!
Alec: Is that near Dubna? (The neighboring town)

(What the fuck is wrong with some Russian people? This is even worse than that time this Russian girl, after learning I was American, asked me whether I lived in L.A. or New York. Ummmm New York I guess? I didn't even really bother trying to answer Boston. The girl was clearly an idiot)

Me: (incredulous look) Um... no. Not exactly. At all. It's a different country
Alec: Oh. Ok. Sure. So what is your number? Give it to me.

(I hate it when people don't believe logic)

Me: I. DO. NOT. HAVE. ONE. I am visiting my Grandmother.
Alec: Fine. (pause) So do you want to be my lover?
Me: No!
Alec: We can get married. I have an apartment.

(Oh what sweet words! Truly a great and wonderful word smith. My knees tremble at the romance of it all. This is basically his version of "So cutie, wanna fuck?")

Me: So do I! I have an apartment too!
Alec: I have a goat.

(Bastard got me there)

Me: (Pause) Oh. Well I don't have a goat. Still no.
Alec: You have a man?
Me: YES!! Yes. Yes. I have a man.

(Realizing my stupidity for not trying this tack before, and praising Nick for his existence since sometimes I suck at lying, I grab on to the idea rather enthusiastically. To the point where I almost shout yes. Inside... I was dancing. I'm not ashamed to admit it)

Alec: (seems upset) oh. (silent for a bit)
Me: ...sorry.
Alec: Well do you want to be my lover sometimes? When your man is not around?
Me: No. No. No. One man is more than enough for me thanks.

(Foolishly I try to reason with him, yeah because clearly he is very logical)

Me: Listen, you don't even know me. What if these aren't my teeth? What is I am horribly ugly and snore very loudly?
Alec: Haha. You are funny. I can buy you from your man.

(This actually freaked me the fuck out, because for one horrible moment I thought that he actually had the power to buy me, and everyone knows that Nick loves a good deal. Also since he no longer has kitten, he might be looking for a new pet. Ok this actually has the power to frighten me still)

Me: Um. What? No...
Alec: I have two chickens and a goat.
Me: Well... as FINE of an offer as that is, the answer is still no.

(Important Lesson learned: Sarcasm is NOT universally understood)

Alec: You tell him. He'll trade. Here is my number. You may call me. Any time.
Me: I don't want this, I have no phone.
Alec: You know, in my country, I could take you and you could just be my wife. (Pause) (Bright Smile) Call me!

(HOLY SHIT! Did he just threaten to kidnap me?)

Me: (Absolutely fucking terrified) Yes. OK. bye.

What. The. Fuck. No seriously. I need to eat a yogurt and thank god for my close escape. WHAT THE FUCK.




This is a great old Soviet Movie about Bride Kidnapping. It has the Russian three stooges and the dance that my mother is still trying to convince me is sexy. I believe her.